i know, you know, we know, we werent meant for each other and its fine.

 so now youre just waiting.

waiting on the impossible to happen.

waiting for them to change.

waiting for them to notice 

the love youre giving them

it hurts like hell when you know

that you have to let go of

the person you spent so long trying to love

but maybe thats the point.

love should be easy, and kind.

empathetic and loyal.

it doesnt need to be forced

or strained

 

because love is the easiest and best thing we do.

 

and if its not easy, then its not for you.

 

and thats ok.

fucking here again

 can you believe it

we are fucking here again

heartbroken

gaslit

broken

by a person who never deserved me anyway but spent everyday reminding me that i was the lucky one

broken

again

and wishing i was fucking dead.

it will never get easier and i will never learn

i kill myself for these people that dont even deserve a foot note.

i kill myself for these people who just dont give a fuck

im not sure what ive done to deserve this

and i dont know what to do

so i just sit here

broken

wishing i was dead.

If you could go back in time with all the information you have today, would you?

would you go back in time, and tell him you loved him

hold out for the right moment instead for running towards the next one

would you put your head on his shoulder in the middle of the movie, lift the arm rest and cuddle into his arms

would you stop fiddling with your keys at the edge of your open car door and step towards him and kiss him

would you hold his hand at the top of the megadrop and swear you'll never let go

would you tell him all the reasons you love him as you lay under the stars on new years eve

look into his eyes while fireworks exploded in the night sky

would you go back, and get it right

or would you just find new ways to fuck up your life? 

we were a perfect fit. we were. but timing is a hell of a thing

and our egos are another

too scared to start

too proud to make moves

too set in our ways to compromise

and too damn stupid to get out of our own ways

you wanted a ride or die

well its been 21 years. no one is more ride or die than me

but im grateful i never got what i wanted

because i was too stupid to realise that i deserve better

 i just said goodbye to a guy im gonna think about forever

 

 

 

 

 

I wonder who's arms I would run and fall into if I was drunk in a room full of everyone I've ever loved.

Its an interesting question. And I really don't know how to answer it.

I know who's arms I'd run to if I wanted to feel desired.

Whos arms Id run to if I wanted one last hug.

Whos arms id run to because I missed them.

But the arms in which I feel safe? Protected? Happy? 

The arms that could hold together all the broken pieces of my soul.

To hold me in

And the saddest answer of all is that I'm not sure id run to any of them.

If I could, they wouldn't be my past, they'd be my present. And maybe he's still out there. Maybe he's my future.

I wish we could go back to a time before it was too late

I still feel your fingers tracing my jaw as you looked at my face in awe

The stars slowly started revealing themselves in the night sky, they stretch infinitely across space, out numbered by all the almost maybes between you and I.

The fireworks coloured the world and while all eyes were looking up you were looking at me

Why is it that I always felt like the only women in existence when your eyes are on me from any distance

I can still see the look on your face when you asked my new flame if the girl he was seeing in secret was important

I was sitting right in front of you knowing that you knew because I was your drunken informant 

I could hear it in your voice that me moving on would never have been your choice but falling in love with me wasn't an option either 

And he wasn't ready to keep her

But disillusioned about what purpose he served, I knelt down praying at his steeple

And maybe now you can appreciate why storms are named after people.

were just kids, we know nothing

You offer a place to lay my wounded heart as I sit here on the edge of impossible and improbable, navigating the messaged as mixed as my lovesick thoughts. My story digested into bitesize pieces with the hope they don't get lodged in your throat as you cough out enough half though out sentences to give me enough of a hit to string me along to my isolated desolate burial ground. We've been here before, cold and warm at the same time, floating in a body of water and dying of thirst. The voice in my head swirl and thrash and spiral until I dont know which way is North. You've become my north star out east and im turned about and spining further and further out of control. My thoughts punish me for even contemplating for a second that this could be enough and its a toll ill pay in advanced. Your words, delicate like a feather in the wind, calculated and controlled like a highschool massacre, they could never kill me as much as the voices in my head which envelope me and water my soul down until there isn't much more to me then this thoughts I cant control and words I choke on. Is there more to me than this warfare in my mind. Is there more to me than the voices. Do I even exist outside of your stories.

Your thoughts are not who you are.