Saturday, November 16, 2024

The dark place where dreams go to die.

i have this hole in my heart i try to fill it with things and nothing seems to satistify it i throw peole in i liife into it pills alcohol my kids nothing seems to fill it. i used it think it didnt get full because it was wrong for me or because it wasnt enough. i used to believe you were the only thing that could fill it. only you. but im beggining to realise that its not a hole in my heart but a bottomless pit and i throw the things i love most into it. and for a while they hang onto the edges, making me feel...something. but they lose grip eventually and they fall another victim of the darkness inside of me you could never fill that hole no one can nothing can only i can or at the very least, i need to learn to live with it. stop using it as a burial ground for the things i love the most.

Monday, October 28, 2024

the unconscious mind

I go bed most nights
Reliving the moments we've had 
You're the last thought before I sleep
Hoping I dream a new moment with you
Something fresh and new that I can hold on to
But when I do dream of us
I dream of the reality of you
Reliving the heartbreak and rejection
The moments I want to forget
The things I never said

Thursday, October 24, 2024

the things that have happened to me will never have not happened.

The choice I've made can't be undone
Taken back
Fixed

All I have now is hope
And hope is a dangerous thing
Hope is going to kill me

Wednesday, October 23, 2024

cravings.

How the actual fuck. 
How am I still here?
Why am I still here?

You haunt me
You always have
You always will

I thought if we had our time then I could let you go

Why can't I let you go

I thought if we had our time than that would be enough.
But I want more.
I'm addicted 

But I'm sober
Always in recovery 
Always wanting more
Never being able to get it

I'll always crave you

Friday, May 12, 2023

i know, you know, we know, we werent meant for each other and its fine.

 so now youre just waiting.

waiting on the impossible to happen.

waiting for them to change.

waiting for them to notice 

the love youre giving them


it hurts like hell when you know

that you have to let go of

the person you spent so long trying to love


but maybe thats the point.

love should be easy, and kind.

empathetic and loyal.


it doesnt need to be forced

or strained

 

because love is the easiest and best thing we do.

 

and if its not easy, then its not for you.

 

and thats ok.


Saturday, February 4, 2023

fucking here again

 can you believe it

we are fucking here again

heartbroken

gaslit

broken


by a person who never deserved me anyway but spent everyday reminding me that i was the lucky one


broken


again


and wishing i was fucking dead.


it will never get easier and i will never learn

i kill myself for these people that dont even deserve a foot note.

i kill myself for these people who just dont give a fuck


im not sure what ive done to deserve this

and i dont know what to do

so i just sit here

broken


wishing i was dead.

Sunday, January 23, 2022

If you could go back in time with all the information you have today, would you?

would you go back in time, and tell him you loved him

hold out for the right moment instead for running towards the next one

would you put your head on his shoulder in the middle of the movie, lift the arm rest and cuddle into his arms

would you stop fiddling with your keys at the edge of your open car door and step towards him and kiss him

would you hold his hand at the top of the megadrop and swear you'll never let go

would you tell him all the reasons you love him as you lay under the stars on new years eve

look into his eyes while fireworks exploded in the night sky

would you go back, and get it right

or would you just find new ways to fuck up your life? 


we were a perfect fit. we were. but timing is a hell of a thing

and our egos are another

too scared to start

too proud to make moves

too set in our ways to compromise

and too damn stupid to get out of our own ways


you wanted a ride or die


well its been 21 years. no one is more ride or die than me


but im grateful i never got what i wanted

because i was too stupid to realise that i deserve better