the unconscious mind

I go bed most nights

Reliving the moments we've had 

You're the last thought before I sleep

Hoping I dream a new moment with you

Something fresh and new that I can hold on to

But when I do dream of us

I dream of the reality of you

Reliving the heartbreak and rejection

The moments I want to forget

The things I never said

the things that have happened to me will never have not happened.

The choice I've made can't be undone

Taken back

Fixed

All I have now is hope

And hope is a dangerous thing

Hope is going to kill me

cravings.

How the actual fuck. 

How am I still here?

Why am I still here?

You haunt me

You always have

You always will

I thought if we had our time then I could let you go

Why can't I let you go

I thought if we had our time than that would be enough.

But I want more.

I'm addicted 

But I'm sober

Always in recovery 

Always wanting more

Never being able to get it

I'll always crave you

i know, you know, we know, we werent meant for each other and its fine.

 so now youre just waiting.

waiting on the impossible to happen.

waiting for them to change.

waiting for them to notice 

the love youre giving them

it hurts like hell when you know

that you have to let go of

the person you spent so long trying to love

but maybe thats the point.

love should be easy, and kind.

empathetic and loyal.

it doesnt need to be forced

or strained

 

because love is the easiest and best thing we do.

 

and if its not easy, then its not for you.

 

and thats ok.

fucking here again

 can you believe it

we are fucking here again

heartbroken

gaslit

broken

by a person who never deserved me anyway but spent everyday reminding me that i was the lucky one

broken

again

and wishing i was fucking dead.

it will never get easier and i will never learn

i kill myself for these people that dont even deserve a foot note.

i kill myself for these people who just dont give a fuck

im not sure what ive done to deserve this

and i dont know what to do

so i just sit here

broken

wishing i was dead.

If you could go back in time with all the information you have today, would you?

would you go back in time, and tell him you loved him

hold out for the right moment instead for running towards the next one

would you put your head on his shoulder in the middle of the movie, lift the arm rest and cuddle into his arms

would you stop fiddling with your keys at the edge of your open car door and step towards him and kiss him

would you hold his hand at the top of the megadrop and swear you'll never let go

would you tell him all the reasons you love him as you lay under the stars on new years eve

look into his eyes while fireworks exploded in the night sky

would you go back, and get it right

or would you just find new ways to fuck up your life? 

we were a perfect fit. we were. but timing is a hell of a thing

and our egos are another

too scared to start

too proud to make moves

too set in our ways to compromise

and too damn stupid to get out of our own ways

you wanted a ride or die

well its been 21 years. no one is more ride or die than me

but im grateful i never got what i wanted

because i was too stupid to realise that i deserve better

 i just said goodbye to a guy im gonna think about forever