this is what its like for me

I'm typically good with words. 

I can string them together to create something similar to when you look up and see sunlight streaming through overhead trees while standing in the middle of a dense forrest.

I'm typically good with words, and I've strung plenty together bout you, but I'm getting to the point where the letters are slowly disappearing from the dictionary in my mind.

You've taken my vocabulary and jumbled it up.

Stealing x's and o's

And plenty of z's replaced with late nights thinking of what it'd be like to place my hand on your chest and feel your heart beat.

Time waits for no man, neither does a good woman.

i can't believe i spent 12 years loving you.

I don't want to lose you but I lost myself

I keep so much pain

Inside myself.

I grasp my anger

And loneliness

And hold it

In my chest.

It changed me

Into something

I never meant to be.

It has transformed me

Into a person

I do not recognise;

But I don't know how

To let it go

stop trying to force the puzzle pieces together

I'm trying to
understand this new
dynamic between us.

its not as simple as
"You either want me
or you don't"

I know that.
I HATE that.

Keeping you in my
life might kill me.
But letting you go will.

if loving you kills me tonight
then i was ready for death the moment you said hello.

why can't i let you go

He may still love you
He probably does
He probably doesn't know what he wants
He probably still thinks about you all the time
But that isn't what matters
What matters is what he's doing about it
And what he's doing about it is nothing
And if he's doing nothing, you most certainly shouldn't do anything

You need someone who goes out of their way to make it obvious that they want you in their life

i can't do it

i can't let you go. letting you go would be like cutting out apart of my soul. 

You can cut and cut and cut but you can't get rid of it.

and you don't really want to.

i want to say i miss you, 

and i want you to be mine. 

i want a lot of things. 

but i never get what i want.

I'm coming to terms with the fact we are never meant to be.  

and I'm trying to be okay with it.

I understand now that we are not alone.

that our love isn't enough.

and you can love someone in every waking moment,

with every cell in your body,

and not end up together.

i am okay with that.

well, I'm not okay with it,

but i can accept that

understand that

what I'm struggling with is what I'm supposed to do now

how I'm supposed to breathe now

i have no idea what to do with all the love.

the love thats been earmarked for you.

and only you.

It's not recyclable.

reusable.

it's wasted love frozen in time

a waste

i have no idea what to do with all the love.