letters to you - part 3

hey, i guess this is a bit of a follow up on what i told you almost a month ago.

i never sent it to change anything, i hope you understand that. 

but i guess i thought it would close a door i have been trying to close for 12 years now. 

and i failed.

i don't care how this comes across, if you want to laugh about me or say I'm crazy but i don't care anymore

i like you and i have for 13 years and I've spent the last 13 years pretending i don't 

and waiting patiently 

but in the last 13 days I've realised one thing,

i can't wait forever and i don't want to.

i know you don't feel about me like that anymore

and thats okay

im not here to force you to like me or even attempt to get you to

the reason I'm writing this is just the opposite

I'm the kind of girl who doesn't fall in love easily but when i do it will move mountains

and i will love you with everything i have, it might not be much but i will love you unconditionally.

i am grateful for your existence even if I'm not supposed to be apart of it

and if you ever cared about me that you should spare me

if your not ready then tell me to wait for you and id wait forever

but please, tell me to move on and stop waisting my time if thats all you ever were

don't worry about hurting me

I've already broken my own heart from loving you

just tell me to move on

to be happy

to get married to someone that isnt you, to settle down and have kids

and live the life I've always imagined with someone else

at this rate I'm hoping one day you'll fall in love with me just as much as I'm hoping one day i will fall out of love with you

i can't keep holding on to nothing

letters to you - Part 2

look, I've been honest with you and i think i deserve some honesty back
i know the answer to all these questions, you answered them by telling me you appreciated my honesty and didn't say another word. and thats okay
but heres the thing,
i need to hear you say those words
i need to hear you tell me you didn't ever love me
that there isn't a future for us
that its not going to happen
its too late
i need to hear it
so i can let go and move on
to me, you and i will always be unfinished business
i need you to be honest with me, for once.
I'm the type of girl who will wait for you
until your ready
to the extent that i will wait for you forever
but thats not fair
we're not getting any younger
i have big dreams for my life,
marriage, kids, i want a life in a painted house with mismatched door handles, starry ceilings hovering over too many memories to fit into four walls and a room full of books that could never contain our story.
but none of my dreams are me waiting around for a guy who will never want me.
i know you don't feel the same, your actions make that clear, but there is still hope inside of me that maybe i should wait. and that one day you will see me like that.
And if thats just not true then i need you to be honest with me.
forget about protecting my feelings, i want the honest truth from you even if it rips my heart out, because if its just me that has felt these things, the kindest thing you can do right now is to rip my heart out. No relationship i have had since i met you has worked, because of you. and no future ones will work, because of you, so I'm stuck now, its your move.

after 13 years, don't you think i deserve honesty?

Letters to you - Part 1

I guess i want to start with the truth.

and the the unanswered questions i have for you.

like did you ever really love me?

and do you still? or am i far too late?

do you feel what I'm feeling or is it all lost on you like it was lost on me from the start?

she must have done a number on you because your not the person you were before,

your not the person i fell in love with.

but i still love you despite your flaws

because of your flaws

did you know that?

how do you feel when you look me in the eyes

when i catch you staring?

come on, you know that was deliberate.

why did you never tell me, or make your move?

thats probably the next big question.

i believe if you love something and want something you cant keep your thoughts away from it for long 

but with me, you seem so thoughtless, so disinterested. 

Its like you get lost in all i am the same way i get lost in everything you are and we lose ourselves.

and its magnificent

and then you get some space

and you take a breath 

and realise, probably rightfully so, that you would drown in me

and in my love for you

it would consume you

and its not something you can handle

your calculated

and cold

and you drive me crazy in a different, less desirable way

why do you do that? 

did you really ever love me?

what was i nothing more than a secret you wanted to know

a texture you couldn't touch

a flavour you could never taste

the forbidden fruit

the curious tale

a mystery 

made of misery 

a shadow of a girl so unique that i was a prize that you all wanted, 

and it wasn't about the prize but the competition 

the ego

you told me you loved me

you said you were scared it was better in your head

and I'm willing to be whatever it is you need me to be

did you ever really love me?

prove it.