you dove into me, and suffocated in all that i was
you surrounded yourself in every moment
and threw caution to the wind
as you learned the textures of my skin
you gripped my flaws
and kissed my insecurities
you made me feel so beautiful
you made me feel safe
and loved
and desired

and then you left.
you left and didn't say a word
and all that was left was the realisation that it meant nothing to you
it was just a game.
im sick of being the prize.

running out of time.

so i met this boy.... 10 years ago.
a month ago everything changed

its very sad to be 27 and be shocked to have someone call you beautiful every day
to love every facet of you
and even when i threw every ounce of crazy i had at you
you came running back harder than anyone has ever run to me before.

but we have this agreement
and your actions say one thing and your words another
and I'm having a hard time keeping my end of the deal
but our days a numbered
they're limited
and we're running out of time.

turning a corner

wow, so.. i never thought this would happen.
this blog isn't about you anymore.
and its been a while since I've thought of you like that
its been so long but 2016 won't be about you, and maybe your time is done.
i think your time is done.

good bye.
i don't think we will meet again
my heart no longer misses you.

our fairytale ending. but life isn't a fairytale.

i closed the door behind me, and you greeted me at the door. the air escaped my lungs and i was breathless at the way you looked in a suit. you're hair spiked and messy and you're eyes sparkled in the moonlight. you smiled, your cheeky smile that i was all too familiar with. your hand reached out for mine, and i held it.
"hey" your words like honey
i simply smiled back as you wrapped your arms around my body, i could get lost in your embrace.
the acceptable amount of time for a hug had long past and i hesitantly pulled myself away from your body. we walked to the car and you commented on my dress as you opened the car door for me, and i got in. the music coming from the speakers was somehow the most perfect backing track to our lives and the night was like a whirlwind, a blur. i could get lost in the way you'd look at me, like i was the only girl in the world and they way you'd laugh at my jokes. you always did have the best laugh. the sun had faded when you asked if i wanted to walk along the beach. i loved the way you felt next to me, and the cold sand between my toes. we walked and laughed and you walked to me to the spot you loved most. the spot that overlooks the city, and the city lights gleamed in your eyes. you walked me out to a platform and held me as i lent over the edge. i was mesmerised my the night sky, the city lights and you. you took a step back and i turned around. you were on one knee and time stood still. you told me you loved me from the moment you met me, that we'd both made mistakes in the past but we were standing here, exactly where we were supposed be. i wanted to freeze time and stay in this moment forever. and then you pulled out a ring. you promised me you'd always keep me on my toes, to be honest with me and to love me until my last breath. the wind was cool on my skin but the sparkle in your eyes gave me goosebumps. it was like i was the only thing you've ever wanted. you promised me forever. you hesitated when you opened your mouth and asked me to marry you. as if the answer was ever in doubt. i paused drinking in this moment like fine wine, i was drunk on the thought of forever.
"yes" the words escaped my lips, they've waited their whole lives to say yes to you.
"yes, i will marry you"
the ring was heavy on my finger, the diamond sparkled withal your love, we sat on the grass, intoxicated by this moment and counted the stars.
you heartbeat loud in my ear, i could tell, it was beating for me.

and heres the thing;
the reason i make these wild unrealistic expectations in men is because i know that person doesn't exist.
and i don't even want him to
if he does exist i don't even want to find him
i don't want this perfect idea
i want you
all of you
your flaws
your strengths
your weaknesses
your anger, smiles, pain
i want it all
because to me, you are perfect
in your imperfection

you don't destroy the people you love.

id plunge my hand into my chest 

to rip my heart out just to 

scrap it for parts 

to fix your broken heart. 

the lights low.
your smooth skin on mine.
your fingers tracing lines on my naked back.
they sweetness of your scent.
the taste of your lips.
your skin between my teeth, 
under my nails. 
your heartbeat loud in my ear.