literally drowning
leading to this, another 5am blog post because the night lasts way too long, and i can't spent that much time with you without losing myself. i know i need to see you, to talk to you and tell you all the things I've never said but i always loose my nerve, i know ill never say them; so instead i write. for how ever long i have to, to get you out of my head, if only for a minute.
i guess if i saw you now, id tell you i love you. that I've loved you for more years than i can count. for so long i can scarcely remember who i was before i loved you. But I've always run from you because I'm scared. Im scared for losing you, I'm scared of it ending badly, I'm scared that you would never be the guy i needed. But I'm also scared of you being him. The guy in my head, the exact guy i want. Im scared because you ruin me. In both love and hate. And i don't know what scares me most; I'm scared that i could lose you forever if this ended badly, and I'm scared that i could have you forever if it didn't. But the truth is, i am nothing but half thought out sentences sprawled incoherently on a book with no cover and torn pages. Im not good for you. or for anyone for that matter. Ill bring you down, ill fog things up and ill spin you about. And don't you already know that. I am the worst thing that could happen to your life. and i love you way to much to bring you down and i know that i can never be someone you love forever. I don't love myself, i can hardly expect you to.
but i wish you would, for only a second.
I ran from you because my ambitions and my love for you, although hardly comparable, they were hardly compatible. But my dreams came first and i chased them, however far they'd take me away from you. But there i was, knocking on the door of my dreams, and all i could think about was you. You and nothing else, other then the overwhelming realisation that if i could do it all again, id choose you. in every single way. I sacrificed you for my dreams, and it wasn't worth a second. I guess our lives a defined by our opportunities, even the ones we miss.
But i can't let that go.
so here i am. way off my ambitions, falling deeper and deeper in love
every minute
