i wish you could hear all the words i'm too afraid to say

we blinked, and just like that another year passed us by

an entire year we've lost.

thats 13 years in a row

I've spent half my life loving you

and missing you got so bad that falling asleep each night 

felt like i was readying myself for war

I dreamt of you, and that we kissed. And even though I knew it wasn't real, I still woke up breathless.

Lavender and cream

so when you speak of me, 

do you speak of me glowingly or is it more matter-of-fact

do your eyes sparkle like they once did

or was it just to feed your own ego

did you miss me when your name broke through

or was i forgotten about as quickly as i was mentioned

do you even care about the person i am

or am i nothing but a distant, unwanted, buried memory

honestly, I'm surprised my name was even written on your lips

i love you

with ever fibre of my being, with every beat of my heart, through every lonely night

i love you more than any one has ever loved another human being before

i guess thats just not enough for you. 

I've built my life on broken bones.

under loves heavy burden do i sink.

and I've been trying
for days, weeks, months
trying to distract myself

when i write in this blog it only makes things worse
it gives my thoughts an outlet and while its better to let them out
they become coherent when my fingers touch these keys

in the corners of my mind these thoughts are fleeting
they only last a second or two
thousands of incoherent tiny thoughts that are manageable in their solitude
but when i open this page
and i write these words
they combine to make the most incomprehensible
and ineffable nonsense that is my life
and its longing for you

you see, i don't believe we born and live and die
we do not exist exclusively in our bodies
we are souls, and have a body, a temporary one
but our souls live on forever
i believe love lasts forever,
but our bodies do not
we are all just a bunch of longing souls looking for their past love
and i found mine
in you
and my soul knows your soul
it longs for your soul
and I'm getting the feeling its found you,
decade after decade
life after life
its found you
and its wanted you
and its lost you

and i failed again in this life
i lost you
so i guess ill see you in the next one
hopefully not repeating the same mistakes i made the last time
because i couldn't think of anything worse
than our souls destined to repeat this love
this loss
this heartache

but i get the feeling this isnt the first time I've lost you.