I'm really sorry how crazy I've been over the years. I've finally got a diagnosis after 12 months in and out of mental health hospitals after my 8th and most serious suicide attempt.
I have borderline personality disorder, rejection sensitivity disorder and complex post traumatic stress disorder and I realise that you've been the center of my limerance for the last 18 years. Which has been a really unhealthy and toxic endeavour for me and when you mix that with whatever it is that you have going on I guess it's a combination that triggers me. and it's almost a total lack of free will that makes me react that way, my brain physiologically couldn't process any perceived rejection from you. This is not you're fault, but entirely my issue. Unfortunately with BPD it is medication resistant so all I can do is ongoing therapy, and while I cannot control my condition, I can control my behaviour and that's something I've really been working on.
I don't know why I feel the need to tell you any of this, maybe I'm hoping it will break the limerance I have with you which is completely irrelevant, irrational and harmful to my well-being and every relationship I've ever had in my adult life. And I don't want that anymore. I not want to run away from all the good things in my life out of fears of being abandoned. Thank you for being my friend, however loosely that term can be used for us. You were always there in my darkest times, whether you knew it or not, as someone I could feel safe with. But I now understand that none of it was real and that I'm just a foot note in your story. And I truly am ashamed of the way I've treated you, it was just as confusing for me and it probably was for you.
Anyway, I've taken enough of your time reading this, I don't want to steal anymore of it.
I hope you had a great Christmas, at your core you're a really good guy, and I hope you have a great 2025.
