i wish i could find a way express into text the thoughts that whirlwind through my mind, like a hurricane.

its like I'm drowning in my own storm.

its so easy to question if a person loves you, truly loves you and i've never had to question you

i can tell by the look in your eye

i never knew it when we were younger because you never made your move

if honesty prevailed at least once

id like to think we wouldn't have wasted so much time

it scares me to think that we've missed our shot

that you don't feel a thing anymore

i can't bare the thought that this might have all been for nothing

you once told me that were afraid

afraid that its better in your head

that you've wasted 12 years for nothing

there is a look in your eyes that I've never seen before
its like when you look at me, you know
and i know too

thats how i know,
thats when i know
thats what i miss the most

that look

that look when time slows down and no one else in the world exists
or have ever existed
you know the look I'm talking about

but heres a thought,
do you look at anyone else that way
or is it only me

i hope you've only ever looked at me that way
because your the only one i ever see

i dream of you in circles

i dreamt of you again last night
it was your wedding day
and i wasn't walking down the isle towards you
i like to think that you'd never get married
unless you were marrying me
and maybe I'm crazy for even thinking that
or maybe its because your the only one i would
but either way you got married
and i sit in the crowd and watch my heart break
and after you found me
you looked me in the eyes and you knew
you kissed me
on your wedding day
but just at the wrong time
even though we are supposed to be together
you knew it was never going to be enough
and you walked away


and even though i wanted to chase you
i didn't

i just wanted you to be happy

if its not real

so this is my question.  

if its not real, 

if its just an idea 

&& if its not even remotely realistic then why does it feel so right when I'm near you?

why does the sound of your heart beat on my ear feel like the most real thing I've ever felt as a thousand butterfly wings flap their wings in the pit of my stomach, from the same place that feels so ill whenever you've got distance.  You've always liked your distance and only now am i beginning to hate it, since when did we switch roles.  This must have been how you felt all those times and I'm sorry but i can't say its all my fault because you never made your move and i was too selfish or ignorant or too something to see what was right in front of me. 

i was so blind that i couldn't see you. 

if you would have just told me, held my hand, kissed me. 

something. 

anything. 

but i guess ill be always waiting. 

Keep your ship together

It's not going to happen

Ever

It's not real

It's not reality

It's an idea

A dream

A concept

And an appealing one at that

But it's nonexistent 

Its fiction