I am half agony, I'm half hope.

You pierced my soul. I'm half agony, half hope. Tell me not that I am too late, that such precious feelings are gone forever. I offer myself to you again with the heart even more own then when you almost broke it, eight years and a half ago. Did not say that man forget sooner than women, that his love has an earlier death. I have loved you, none but you.

--Frederick Wentworth

The thought of you makes me fear for sleep, fear the darkness.
For when I close my eyes, my eyelids dance in colours of you.
I will always want to know what is like to breathe you in, to feel you, to taste you, touch you.
These are the things that will never occur that will never happen.
And you and I will never have a time so for now I will continue to fear the night,
A night so dark that when it envelopes me, hoping that you can break through, i do nothing but fear the night.
And long for it.
Sometimes I wish i could cut my head open and spill you out.
Stop the endless nights that revolve around you.
But sometimes I think, i'd sooner take my own life, a death by love then to lose the very thought of you.
Sometimes I feel like I'm doing okay, better off without you and that I'm moving on and nothing else can danger my space of thought.
Then I remember you and me and us and I remember all the times that I was loved by you.
The look in your eyes.
The sound of your voice.
The feel of your heartbeat against my ear.
And I breathe you in.
And hold you close.
I while I never wanted to let you, go you always seem to let me go.
And that's the fatal flaw about out inconvenient truth.

No one will ever love you and you will never love another person to the enormity that I love you.

i desire things which will destroy me in the end

the nights i like the best
are not the ones under lights
the music blaring or the drinks flowing
they are the nights i get to spend with you
under the cover of my eyelids
in the corners of my mind
where nothing is impossible
nothing is implausible
where we have nothing but time
surrounded by the truest of truths
in the most glorious and unfounded moments
that we have never shared
thats the nights that i like best.

This.

you don't deserve me

write drunk

Ernest Hemming way once said,

there is nothing to writing.

all you do is sit down at a typewriter

and bleed.

and i guess literature is the art of turning blood into ink, and i guess i have that down pat.
thats what this blog really is, a chronologically documented series of all the times you've torn me down
i could build the worlds tallest building with all the pain you've given me, but you'd plant dynamite on every level and lower me into the false sense of belief that I'm building something good with all this pain and I'm freeing myself from you but just when i think the job is over and I'm standing atop the trees with you miles below me, so far i almost forget the sound of your voice, you flick the switch, fire the dynamite and bring me crashing back down to you but i can't find you under all the debris and i can't find me, and i don't know who i am at this level and you won't help me and you won't come to find me, its like you take pleasure in watching me fall.

Bob Marley once said,

the biggest coward is a man who awakens a woman love 

with no intention of loving her. 

and your the biggest coward of them all and i wish i could understand what goes through your head and i wish you would say what your thinking but wishing that is like wishing upon a star, you know it means nothing and that i mean nothing to you and it was nothing but wishful thinking in the most pointless and hopeless way possible as we both know the truth and we both know the answer and it because your too afraid to love me and quite frankly i don't know how i can love you but love isn't enough, even if we think its all we ever need, i know i need more and i need to hear it and i need to see it and i need to feel it and i need to make something out of all this nothingness but your the only thing i feel in a world full of despair and fear and bad choices and lost hopes and in a world full of fake friends, fake feelings and fake people, your the only thing thats real and the love i feel could light any darkness but you've flicked the switch and you act as if i don't mean a thing, and maybe i don't but maybe you should be clear instead of playing stupid games where there is no winner because you've always been a loser and thats where your most comfortable. your a loser and you know it and i know it. the entire goddamn world knows it. and thats where you'll stay and thats where you belong and your too far gone to be saved and i need to remember that every time my heart skips a beat when i think of you and when my brain swirls and my thoughts become nothing but unintelligible rubbish spewing from my fingers, is that your somehow the best guy and the worst guy I've ever known and i hate you almost as much as i love you and my love for you could fill an ocean so imagine how much you've made me hate you.

Hemmingway once said;

write hard and clear about what hurts you.

and i guess this blog even exists because no one can possible hurt me even remotely like you do.



Hemingway also said to write drunk so that works for me too.

step up to the plate

sometimes i wonder if your sleepless nights are for the same reason as mine,
then i remind myself that if you wanted this,
if you wanted to see me,
you would.

the simple fact is that you can love someone until your entire world stops but that doesn't for a second mean you are right for each other or that its even going to work.
the fact is; relationship are about more than love. or lust or any other desire.
there are several ingredients that make a good relationship.
don't get me wrong, you can cut up tomatoes add to to some pasta and still call it spaghetti, but that will be some weak ass spaghetti.
you need sauces, herbs and spices, and each and every aspect is very important in its right proportions.
after years of cooking you eventually figure out the exact amount of salt, of tomato to suit your taste
therefore you can have two people and throw in some love and call it a relationship but that will be one weak ass relationship
you need so much more to make it work
and while love is the main ingredient, without compromise, communication, honestly, respect, understanding and fun,
it won't be enough
it might be enough for some people
but it won't be enough for you
but you know what the most important thing is to a successful relationship.
having any relationship at all.
12 years in, and we're still putting on the batters helmet.

we'll always be stuck on the bench too afraid to step up to the plate
too afraid to get run out at first.

and thats the saddest thing of all

i wish i could find a way express into text the thoughts that whirlwind through my mind, like a hurricane.

its like I'm drowning in my own storm.

its so easy to question if a person loves you, truly loves you and i've never had to question you

i can tell by the look in your eye

i never knew it when we were younger because you never made your move

if honesty prevailed at least once

id like to think we wouldn't have wasted so much time

it scares me to think that we've missed our shot

that you don't feel a thing anymore

i can't bare the thought that this might have all been for nothing