gorilla suit.

in another life i used to lie to myself a lot

it was the only way to cope, to achieve

eventually you lie enough to yourself and your body starts to believe the lie

every day you wake up and lie to yourself

"i can do this" the lie screams

"you are good enough"

until one day, you wake up, and realise, its no longer a lie.

its quite a common notion in the sporting world, fake it til you make it.

and i, myself, have found this a very useful and effective tool.

but is the power of lying to yourself to help you achieve work with anything?

which leads me to todays hypothesis;

can you lie yourself happy?

if everyday, you wake up and lie to yourself, but instead of a sporting goal, what if your end goal is happiness?

is that possible? it sounds like a miserable fucking world, to wake up and pretend to be happy, to pretend to be grateful for opening your eyes and taking in a new day. but what if one day i woke up and i didn't have to pretend anymore. what if one day, i woke up and i was happy.

is that a thing?

is that real?

do people even do that? like, their eyes open first thing in the morning, the daylight filtering through their window shades, the birds singing, the warm breeze blows, they inhale, exhale, smile. they roll over, turn to their loved one and kiss them on the face. so entirely consumed by the happiness that is their beautiful life.

it seems entirely like a myth

a legend

something that people say is real but never have any proof off, like they only got a fuzzy picture of happiness, or it just turned out to be a fuck head in a gorilla suit.

and you can't fake that.

and i figured it out.

read this blog.

read it.

whats the overwhelming and reoccurring hypothesis.

"i could tell he loved me by the look in his eyes."

and thats it.

its as simple as that.

as basic as the flat blue of your narcissistic eyes.

that you don't look at me like that.

you dont love me like that.

i look at you and i don't see it.

and thats whats missing.

thats what I'm missing.

how did we get here

you were perfect

and nobody is perfect

but you were perfect in my eyes
perfect in your imperfection

but you fooled me

you fooled everyone

and now i don't even know what it means to feel safe anymore

the winter was long and cold but your lies were even colder, chilling my bones and stealing my oxygen, so slowly that i didn't even know you were suffocating me.

i ask for simple things.

respect.

honesty.

but honestly.

you don't know the meaning of those words.

as sure as the sun will rise tomorrow i know you'll feed me another line. 

another lie.

thats what you do, right?

you take and take and take and i have nothing left to give but my life and you'd probably enjoy my last breath as you watch me give that to you too.

all i want, all I've ever wanted was to be loved in the same way that i love. i love you with every part of my being, with every cell, every breath, every second is spent fixated on you. but i only exist in your world when I'm in front of you. do you realise i have a life outside of yours? its like you think that the TV shows only get broadcasted when your TV is on. little do you realise, they run 24/7 whether your TV is on or not. 

but don't worry. other people are tuning in, j

ust don lose your mind when you break your TV

the best damn thing

sometimes things just sneak up on you

you were never supposed to mean a thing to me

you were never supposed to work your way into my life in such an way that rarely a second goes by that i don't think of you.

your eyes.

the taste of your skin between my teeth.

the look in your eye gazing into the distance when your mind is ticking over.

the way your messages are so mixed.

at least you know it works

you don't know how, or why, or what even the use is

but I'm glad you know

im glad its not just me

and even tho you won't sacrifice a thing for me

maybe one day you will realise

i was the best damn thing you'd ever have.

you dove into me, and suffocated in all that i was
you surrounded yourself in every moment
and threw caution to the wind
as you learned the textures of my skin
you gripped my flaws
and kissed my insecurities
you made me feel so beautiful
you made me feel safe
and loved
and desired

and then you left.
you left and didn't say a word
and all that was left was the realisation that it meant nothing to you
it was just a game.
im sick of being the prize.

running out of time.

so i met this boy.... 10 years ago.
a month ago everything changed

its very sad to be 27 and be shocked to have someone call you beautiful every day
to love every facet of you
and even when i threw every ounce of crazy i had at you
you came running back harder than anyone has ever run to me before.

but we have this agreement
and your actions say one thing and your words another
and I'm having a hard time keeping my end of the deal
but our days a numbered
they're limited
and we're running out of time.

turning a corner

wow, so.. i never thought this would happen.
this blog isn't about you anymore.
and its been a while since I've thought of you like that
its been so long but 2016 won't be about you, and maybe your time is done.
i think your time is done.

good bye.
i don't think we will meet again
my heart no longer misses you.