stars && crossbones

Many people ask me why I'm not normal.

But if i was normal, i'd be just like you

Because i'm a dreamer,

i wear my heart on my sleeve

&& my head in the clouds

Don't be afraid of the shadows, it only means there's a light nearby

i'll let it overwhelm me

only for a second.

tomorrow, ill awake to a new world

a world where you no longer exist

in the corners of my mind.

I'll let go

I'll be strong

I'll run free

&& it'll be like you never existed.

sunsets && silhouettes

sow this up with threads of reason && regret

so i can not forget.

you think you know someone

but the only thing that stays the same

is that everything changes

i know i am my own doppelgänger,

i look like i did 5 years ago,

but me and her are two totally different people

we grow

we learn

we shift

we change

we mold

over time different aspects of our personally fade

until theres nothing left but a silhouette

Death bless me with you

Its been so long since i died.

a death by lactic.

Im falling apart at the edges

and i cant quite keep myself together

it all starts again in 7 days.

my rebirth.

my redemption.

time is passing as if impossible

no wills or wish can slow it down

until you reach the moment that counts

the moment where it ends

or begins

depending on the outcome

i cant ask you to carry me the whole way

i cant ask for you to do it for me

i cant ask for it to be easy

i cant ask for you

this journey is a solo one

a test of strength ;;

of courage ;;

of will ;;

&& i will pass.

i have too

against me.

Dear Self,

I realised your taking life too seriously.

The future is not a straight line.

There are many different pathways.

We must try to decide that future for ourselves.

But who am i?

Here's what we know:

1. i enjoy post-it notes.
2. i think a smile can light the way but i prefer to wander in the dark.
3. sometimes i count my steps when i walk, and i don't like to step on cracks.
4. i wish that people understood me more but wheres the fun in that?
5. i am stubborn.
6. i love heights because of the fear that over comes me.
7. i sing loudly in the shower. Really loudly.
8. i wanted to be a vampire when i was little.
9. i like to think that ghosts exist.
10. i don't like slippers.
11. i intently enjoy being a bitch.
12. i have won a writing contest with my poetry.
13. i can put my foot in my mouth. Literally && metaphorically.
14. i can not drink a drink without crazy loud swallowing sounds.
15. i consume large quantities of two-minute noodles.
16. i dislike tea or coffee.
17. i am a poor swimmer.
18. i find joy in spending time a l o n e.
19. i hate being wrong.
20. i changed my own name to include my mothers name as my middle name.
21. i enjoy tattoos and loud music.
22. i enjoy observing life rather then living it.
23. i can fit my entire fist in my mouth.
24. i have green eyes, and amazing eyesight.
25. i have never lost a fist fight.
26. i dont care what people think.
27. i love laying in the backyard with my dog looking at the stars.
28. i like to pretend Edward Cullen is my other boyfriend.
29. && that both Damon and Stefan Salvator are fighting over me.
30. i am capable of really anything.
31. i honestly dont know what i want out of life.
32. i am so shy i cant even order food from any where. not even maccas.
33. i strongly dislike going to the doctor.
34. i ALWAYS want what i cant have.

35. i cannot catch a ball to save my life.

36. im awkward and clumsy.

37. i never stop talking.

38. i am selfish.

39. my words always come out wrong.

40. i sometimes wish i was a boy, but then id be gay.

41. i fantasize about cutting all my hair off coz that would be easier.

42. i laugh at my own jokes. always.

43. i kiss my dog more then anyone else in the world.

44. i am terrible at math.

45. i love reading.

46. i think wayyyyyyyyyy to much.

47. i miss my dad. alot. but hes off living his own life.

48. i cant stand the thought of be alone.

49. i want to live forever.
50. i am not afraid.

It was like a freaking ninja. i never saw it coming.

I picked up my guitar today

the first time in a long time

I cant remember why I ever put it down

Im looking forward to doing all the things i used to

before conformity swallowed me.

I didn't even realise how much it had

until i was standing with a bunch of people i never liked

laughing at things that were not funny

I remember her, faintly

the girl i used to be

i liked her better.

Your my what if, but what if you weren't.

you captivate me.

&& for a split second

thats enough.

New is old

I am new,

In the sense that I am old again.

I liked it better when i was an island.

You can visit the island,

but you can not stay.

I am new,

In the sense I am me again.

Because its easier this way.

Forgotten Fairy-tales

i'm choking on my heart thats stuck in my throat

i'm all out of luck

my hopes are so high they just might kill me

but all your doing is breaking promises

&& my heart.

I have so much love to give

but i'm not quite sure you deserve it

my memory is pathetic

there is no good, only bad

so tonight, we'll fall asleep

in the same bed in different worlds

&& we'll pretend everything is fine

while i vomit my heart onto the floor

your so much better in my head.

this is how i want you

i want you at seven in the morning kissing me awake since lightning is washing across our sheets, blazing through our synapses && sparking within our bones. my skin is on fire under every touch of your lips since your breath is flooding the spaces between my bones making me feel more whole than i've ever felt before.

i want you when the world is falling apart outside our windows, since the way i feel about you makes nothing else matter.

i want you in a way that makes all these miles && minutes longer. you'll have to forgive me since i never paid much attention to time until you were a part of it. now every second that you're not closer stretches on until

i can't remember what i did with myself before you were in my life.

i want you where this year stops && the next one begins. i want to always find you in the places where the hours fold into each other, where your arms fold into mine, && where our fingers fold into one another's, since the only thing i want to be is together.

i want you in a way where these words will never be enough. i spit out enough half thought out sentences for you to know that i'm not always saying what i mean to. but i can promise i mean all of this.

i want you with your crooked smiles that spread to the lines which wrinkle at your eyes and i want to be able to trace them with my fingertips--to trace your contours with my delicate lips--to learn the taste of what keeps you in, what defines you, what holds you together. i'd like to know you inside out && then put you back together. i am impatient but i'll wait for you

i want you like i never thought i'd want anyone or anything. i want you all the time. most of all, i want to love you like nothing else has been loved before. since all those love songs && stories didn't get it all right since

they don't know half of what i feel for you.

i want a life together in a painted house with mismatched door handles, starry ceilings hovering over too many memories to fit into four walls and a

room full of books that could never contain our story.

i want to be arrogant && think i know best when i say that

no one else has ever felt this way about anyone before.

i want you enough to give you my heart even though

i'm afraid you'll be disappointed.

i'm not like the other girls.

i don't glitter or shine.

i'm not beautiful.

i'm clumsy && broken && my words don't come out right.

but i'd give you my heart if you let me have forever with you

since that's how long it'll take to live out our happily ever after.

we still have our whole lives to spend together.

shifting && collecting

this is the sound of our bones settling against each other

so that your hand fits into mine

our hearts are shifting && collecting in the spaces between us

so that each beat bring us closer to where we're supposed to be.

t o g e t h e r .

straight to my heart

I'm just a mess of scribbled veins sprawled incoherently

entwined in the most illegible love letter you'll ever read

I'm secret smiles hidden behind dirty palms

hesitant kisses after the sun has gone

since I'm always worried I'll do something wrong

but I'm the girl who is in love with you

&& your oceanic arteries swallowing every breath I take

or the way the constellations have collected on your cheekbones

&& the earthquakes that rumble through your bones

&& straight to my heart

since no one else has ever moved me this way

this is how you became the whole world to me.

Last Breath

Its a harsh thing to even think about.

But at the end of the day, life goes on.

For everyone but him.

But here i am, trying not to dwell

Trying to get back to some form of normal

If what ever i was before was even normal

Generally, on a typical day, i write.

On here or in my journal

So here i am

Trying to move on.

It's amazing the little things in life that we overlook

We get so caught up in the irrelevant things

We forget to take a look outside of our own lives

And truly see the world

Dont wait for something major to happen

to make you appreciate life.

Appreciate growing old.

Appreciate the beauty.

Appreciate the times you laugh,

The people you have.

When was the last time you just laid back and looked at the stars?

When was the last time you sat at the beach,

with the sand between your toes and appreciated a sun set?

Watched the clouds go idly by.

Picked wild flowers.

Jumped in puddles.

Climbed tress.

Danced in the rain.

Because right now,

People all around the world are taking their last breath,

Don't wait to take yours to realise what you've missed.

Lost a good man along the way.

&& bam.

just like that.

nothing else matters in the world.

petty little arguments disappear and become irrelevant

tiny little stresses disappear and are temporarily forgotten

and the only thing you can think about

is the sudden loss of a great man.

His name was Jack.

Jack Salter.

His age was 70 but he's had the spirit and motivation of a 20 year old.

He completed many, many marathons.

He had many hilarious and amazing stories.

His experience was unmatched.

He was loving and caring.

He had an amazing love for life.

&& Athletics

He really and truly believed in me.

He was there offering advice and support at the nationals i fell and DNF.

He was there offering support and pride the next nationals that i won.

The year after that was this year.

And for those who know me well, it was a hard nationals for me this year,

But he was amazed at my progression and in the midst of it all, through the stress, fear, failure.

He did something amazing.

He made me believe.

He made me proud.

He made me, me.

He always believed in me from the start.

Before i even believed in myself.

And for that i will always be thankful.

Im sorry i never let you know just how much i appreciated you.

But know, you meant the world to me.

You have been instrumental in my success.

I will never forget what you have done for me.

Thank you Jack.

I'm a firm believer in

everything that happens,

happens for a reason.

But the dangerous thing about believing that,

it hurts that much more,

when it doesnt.

RIP Jack Salter ♥

I'm not trying to tear you down.

I got no rudder.

Wind blows northerly, I go north.

That's who I am.

But you fog things up and spin me about.

---

I'm so onto you.

or maybe I'm reading to much into it again.

as always.

it wouldn't be so surprising if it was the latter reason.

But it makes sense.

To me at least.

Is that really how you see me,

Well, don't hold back,

why don't you tell me how you really feel.

White Dress

Follow me...

You liked me in my soft white dress... So plain. so simple. You told me it reminded you of what an angel would look like... Even when you know all the lies that lay between our blankets. I wore its fringed edges much the same as I felt about being barefoot. But I walked barefoot along the edges of earth && ocean. Sometimes I'd do it for you. Even though you knew I hated it. You commented on the dark springs that bounced around like children on a warm summer day. You loved to play with the dark springs attached so delicately to my head, but you never knew my sick days... Days so ill that you'd never known them to exist... For me, to care wether or not. My magnificent green eyes looking... Looking at me, you loved the distance gaze I would more often then not give to the distant clouds. The delicacy of my cold skin against your warm breath. They way I could inspire you... But I was inspired to write. What was it that you could do again? I say all this letting you know... That you are not the first to whisper words of love, to speak of the curls or the green depths, the skin && dimples even. You are not the only one who has mentioned my pleasures && inadequacies. It's such a shame to tell you, you will not be the last. Nothing is permanent. So at the edge of earth && ocean... The sky overcast with segments of thoughts I cannot share. I wish you could know me... I would get on my knees in the soft sand below to beg, I would let the white dress you adore tatter && dirty itself if I thought for a moment, it would change a thing.

Take me with you.

I am not lost after all

Ok, so maybe I dont know where to go from here.

Maybe i am struggling to cope.

but thats okay.

Why should I care what other people think of me?

I am who I am.

And who I wanna be.

I would like more patience,

And to be more level-headed.

but thats okay.

I have realised my failures;

I know the error of that one moment,

Will be the sorrow of a whole life

But failure is not falling down,

But refusing to get up.

&& I'm struggling to get up,

but thats okay.

We trip not on mountains,

But on molehills.

Tire not from the journey,

But from the pebble in our shoe.

but thats okay

And maybe I'm scared of what's before me

Maybe I'm scared of what behind.

You may think I'm a little bit lost,

Walking off into the unknown.

but thats okay

Because maybe I'm not really lost,

Maybe I'm simply going a way of my own.

Making my own path,

&& thats okay.

Your mood swings are giving me whiplash.

the more i think about it,

the more its painfully clear that its my fault.

as always.

i want to return to the girl you knew,

however many years ago

laugh like we used to

smile like we still cared

i wish we could go back

it breaks my heart i cant help my own sister

it's literally breaking my heart to see what he's doing to you.

it breaks my heart that your letting him.

some times you have to love whats good for you.

and clearly, hes no good for you.

It's literally breaking my heart knowing that i cant help you.

it breaks my heart that you wont let me.

some times its hard to walk away

and clearly, you need to walk away.

It's literally breaking my heart to see you hurting

it breaks my heart that i cant take away your pain

some times you have to let people make there own decisions

and clearly, your making the wrong one.

If you don't understand how a woman could both

love her sister dearly

and want to wring her neck at the same time,

then you were probably an only child.

~Linda Sunshine

i wish i could scream these words at you

WHY DO YOU DO THAT?

Why do you pretend like you don't care,

...then pretend like you do?

Either way, your acting fake at least half the time

So which half is it?

&& why the act?

What are you afraid of?

why do i even bother.

i have this friends.

he has been my friend for soooo long.

my oldest friend, outside of aths, by far.

&& maybe thats the reason i let him treat me like shit.

It's pathetic really.

Our relationship is laughable.

Maybe thats my fault.

It's always my fault.

We used to like each other in School

many many many years ago

&& he was always really loyal and always there for me.

The only person who understands me to an absolute 'T'

Over the years It turned from Lust,

To almost Love,

To dodge.

&& when that failed, it has lead us here.

Two people, different paths.

I'm trying to make this friendship work but it hurts.

It hurts because i dont even know what page you are on anymore.

&& you act as if you couldnt care less.

I know I've hurt you in the past.

I know I've been a bitch.

But you know why i have.

You may not be able to comprehend it but you know why.

i just wish we could sort it out.

but i cant talk to you anymore

&& that kills me.

When did we turn into two completely different people?

its no a secret.

its no secret that i love the vampire diaries

so i thought id post something i found on youtube here.

Damon has some epic one liners

&& the person who made the clip is brilliant hahaha

enjoy

♥

xx

what does it matter

Some times in life, you can get caught believing that there is fate.

there is some greater purpose.

you believe the lie so it helps you get through the day.

keeping faith.

Thats all bullshit.

there is no greater plan.

there is no such thing as fate.

we make our own fate and luck and destiny.

its easier to believe the lie.

the lie that everything happens for a reason.

the lie makes us feel safe.

the lie makes us feel okay about bad things that happen to us.

and I dont blame anyone for believing the lie.

because some time the lie is better then the truth.



Love is a temporary madness.

It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides.

And when it subsides you have to make a decision.

You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together

that it is inconceivable that you should ever part.

Because this is what love is.

Love is not breathlessness,

it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion.

That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away,

and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.

&& 
i've 
no 
more 
dreams 
to defend

If you don't, then who does?

you were supposed to be the one,

the one that saw through the charade,

the one who saw through the drawn on smile,

the one who understood me.

but you have no idea.

do you even care at all?

you know I'm an irrational, passionate person

with a temper as short as a fuse.

I tend not to express myself, and when I do,

it comes out in a hurricane of emotions.

after all this time,

who would have thought you didnt know this already

keep adding fuel to the fire.

lets see how far that gets you.

Im not one for promises.

Im such a bad person.

I always take certain things for granted.

I can never see what's right in front of me.

Maybe I'm too scared to see it because of what it might do to me.

That sounds like a reasonable excuse to me.

I'm not one for promises.

Thats what I tell myself

But I'm always holding onto empty words.

Ask me tomorrow

I couldn't have been more wrong.

I thought that I could smile and nod my way through it,

pretend like it would all be okay.

I had a plan.

I wanted to change who I was, create a life as someone new,

someone without the past.

Without the pain.

Someone alive.

But it's not that easy.

The bad things stay with you.

They follow you.

You can't escape them - as much as you want to.

All you can do is be ready for the good, so when it comes, you invite it in.

Because you need it.

Because I need it.