your only as sick as your secrets

i actually hate myself so much
i dont know why i do some of the things i do
i do nothing but let myself down time after time after time
&& i dont know why i do it
what am i waiting for
someone to do everything for me
im so lazy and needy and its starting to piss me the fuck off.
its no ones fault but my own and it makes me soooo angry.
and once again, ive let myself down.

shut up and grow the fuck up. like really.

don't think, just do.

its amazing how beautiful the world is if you'd only let yourself see it that way.

i wish you'd see it that way.

sometimes i walk away -- just to see who will follow.

&& what i wouldn't give, for you to chase after me.

i'm selling out

i feel like such a sell out but its just apart of playing the game.  I'm just a pupet and their controlling the strings embedded deep into my bones.  how amazing it would be to take this knife and cut the strings, but then i'd be useless, lying motionless with the blood of my dreams soaking the floor around me and my heart would finally stop beating.  i can dream about it but never act because my dreams are all i have.

but my 13 year old self is vomiting her heart onto the floor

when did i become everything i promised myself i wouldnt be?

when did i become such a sell out?

unimpressed.

poor form dude.
poorest form.
EVER.

stolen

TEN THINGS ABOUT YOURSELF.
1. hurdles.
2. id rather train then compete.
3. i love being creative
4. it breaks my heart when you dont care about the little things
5. no one will ever understand how much pain im really in & i wont let them
6. im so stubborn i make concrete look soft.
7. i love arguing about irrelevant things
8. i think im funny and thats all that matters
9. i start a conversation atleast once a day with "do you know what/who i hate..."
10. i honestly dont know who i am without aths
NINE THINGS YOU’VE THOUGHT ABOUT RECENTLY
1. failure.
2. injuries.
3. long flights to the UK.
4. cakes.
5. study :/
6. defa.
7. how little he cares about things that are so important to me.
8. just because im black, doesnt mean im your slave.
9. your poor form. unimpressed.
10. study break.

EIGHT WAYS TO WIN YOUR HEART.
1. believe in me.
2. inspire me.
3. 
4. 
5. the rest doesnt even matter in comparison.
6. 
7. 
8. 

SIX THINGS TO DO BEFORE YOU GO TO BED.
1. magnesium drink
2. drink 5ml fish oil
3. get ready for bed
4. let cody out to pee
5. cuddle cody
6. close my eyes and wish for sleep.. and fail.

FIVE THINGS YOU WISH YOU COULD SAY TO SOMEONE RIGHT NOW.
1. do you wanna be any more fake or?
2. yeah, its not like i dont know what im talking about aye.
3. can you please care.. just once. or at least pretend.
4. shut up bitch.
5. make my dinner.

FOUR THINGS YOU’RE DOING RIGHT NOW.
1. playing with my lip ring
2. ignoring my back pain
3. trying to finish this before my muffins are ready
4. wishing

THREE THINGS YOU’RE SCARED OF
1. death.
2. failure.
3. sharks x 100000

TWO THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE
1. be somebody.
2. metallica mosh pit (omg october!!)

ONE CONFESSION
1. i say i dont care... but i do

digression

i'm like that stupid little kid whose mum denies her something so she wants it oh so much more.
but in this case i denied myself it.
what was i thinking? well..
i thought it would be easier, i thought it would be better, i thought i could.
i was wrong
again
as per usual

nothing new here
my biggest enemy is me
im the only one stupid enough to get in my way

and the shit part of it is. you are at the top of the "least important parts of my life" list..
at least.. you should be
and ill sit here and think and dream and wonder.  but what does it matter when your not wasting a single second of your insignificant little life on me.
and you wanna know what the worst part is?
the worst part is,

 im stupid enough to still care.

your puppy dog eyes

i hate when i walk out the door
knowing you can't come with me

at least we have fun times at training 

at the end of each day

love you 

now we are free

i pity you

you in your normalcy 

bored and bothered by little irrelevant things

just to make you feel like your life means something

i pity you

you in your mediocrity 

you'll never know the things i know

never see the things i see

never feel the way i feel

i pity you

you and those like you

you'll never know the freedom

honestly,

my heart actually physically hurts when i think about you

i'm curious yet slightly disturbed at the prospect of how Popeye got such big forearms

nice to know this is how our friendship works

it may surprise you to know i dont exist for you

i dont need your problems

ive got plenty of my own

When I’m lying in my bed I think about life 

&& I think about death 

&& neither one particularly appeals to me

you will never know the pain pulsing through my veins

Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they were meant to be there…to serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson or help figure out who you are or who you want to become. You never know who these people may be but you lock eyes with them, you know that very moment that they will affect your life in some profound way.

And sometimes things happen to you at the time that may seem horrible, painful and unfair, but in reflection you realize that without overcoming those obstacles you would never realize your potential, strength, will power or heart.

Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means of luck. Illness, love, lost moments of true greatness and sheer stupidity all occur to test limits of your soul.

Without these small tests, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere safe and comfortable but dull and utterly pointless.

The people you meet affect your life. The successes and downfalls that you experience can create whom you are, and the bad experiences can be learned from. In fact they are probably the most poignant and important ones. If someone hurts you, betrays you or breaks your heart, forgive them because they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious to whom you open your heart.

If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you, but also because they are teaching you to love and open your heart and eyes to little things. Make every day count. Appreciate everything that you possibly can, for you may never experience it again.

Talk to people whom you have never talked to before, and actually listen. Let yourself fall in love, break free and set your sights high. Hold your head up because you have every right to.

Tell yourself you are a great individual and believe in yourself, for if you don't believe in yourself, no one else will believe in you. Create your own life and then go out and live it.

because my tongue still misbehaves.

MAKE THE MOST
OF THIS LIFE

i swear to shake it up, if you swear to listen
Oh, we're still so young, desperate for attention

my thoughts turns rotten

i dreamt about you again last night

cant remember a single thing you said

it's the little things that get us down

i wish it could be different

you know how i am greedy

my heart aches for you

&& i often wonder

if you think about me too?

 

or havent you even realised it yet?

hope can be a destructive thing.

&& i have nothing left to give

ahh.

the sweet taste of starvation.

if you put the same amount of energy into training
as you do into the bitching, and the drama
maybe you wouldn't get so left behind.

pain junkie

lets pass this time together in this jungle of denial && pain

lets pretend that this is enough && that it'll last forever

when we both know thats just not true

lets laugh our way through the tear soaked nights

&& fight out way through the river of undeniable ends

we're lost in a valley of regret

&& we cant deny it too much longer

but ignorance is bliss

&& to you there is no limit

although my love is as boundless as the sea

it wont keep you breathing forever

so hold my hand like its the last time you ever will

&& kiss me like you mean it

because even if its tomorrow or in 50 years time

i dont know how i'll cope without this

&& the longer we let it go on

the harder it will be

but i've always been a sucker for pain

this is where i say ive had enough.

2922 days later

8 years ago you were taken from me

way too young

one mistake, we made

one regret, i will never be able to make up for

no one should have to lose there best friend

they way i had to lose you

i feel bad for not thinking of you more often

but it hurts every part of my body just to say your name

besides, i hate to remember you like you were that day

all bloody && broken

that image is all i see when i close my eyes

ive run miles && miles just to get away from you

but thats something i can never do

you will follow me everywhere i go

&& everyday i'll know

it was all my fault

rest in peace