this is what its like for me

I'm typically good with words. 

I can string them together to create something similar to when you look up and see sunlight streaming through overhead trees while standing in the middle of a dense forrest.

I'm typically good with words, and I've strung plenty together bout you, but I'm getting to the point where the letters are slowly disappearing from the dictionary in my mind.

You've taken my vocabulary and jumbled it up.

Stealing x's and o's

And plenty of z's replaced with late nights thinking of what it'd be like to place my hand on your chest and feel your heart beat.

Time waits for no man, neither does a good woman.

i can't believe i spent 12 years loving you.

I don't want to lose you but I lost myself

I keep so much pain

Inside myself.

I grasp my anger

And loneliness

And hold it

In my chest.

It changed me

Into something

I never meant to be.

It has transformed me

Into a person

I do not recognise;

But I don't know how

To let it go

stop trying to force the puzzle pieces together

I'm trying to
understand this new
dynamic between us.

its not as simple as
"You either want me
or you don't"

I know that.
I HATE that.

Keeping you in my
life might kill me.
But letting you go will.

if loving you kills me tonight
then i was ready for death the moment you said hello.

why can't i let you go

He may still love you
He probably does
He probably doesn't know what he wants
He probably still thinks about you all the time
But that isn't what matters
What matters is what he's doing about it
And what he's doing about it is nothing
And if he's doing nothing, you most certainly shouldn't do anything

You need someone who goes out of their way to make it obvious that they want you in their life

i can't do it

i can't let you go. letting you go would be like cutting out apart of my soul. 

You can cut and cut and cut but you can't get rid of it.

and you don't really want to.

i want to say i miss you, 

and i want you to be mine. 

i want a lot of things. 

but i never get what i want.

I'm coming to terms with the fact we are never meant to be.  

and I'm trying to be okay with it.

I understand now that we are not alone.

that our love isn't enough.

and you can love someone in every waking moment,

with every cell in your body,

and not end up together.

i am okay with that.

well, I'm not okay with it,

but i can accept that

understand that

what I'm struggling with is what I'm supposed to do now

how I'm supposed to breathe now

i have no idea what to do with all the love.

the love thats been earmarked for you.

and only you.

It's not recyclable.

reusable.

it's wasted love frozen in time

a waste

i have no idea what to do with all the love.

It’s the kind of love that doesn’t signal the beginning of something beautiful, but rather the end of something that might have been beautiful, but will never amount to anything more than what it is.

Hi, i wasted a very long time liking you

i want to say i miss you

but it wouldn't change a thing

so ill keep on pretending i don't.

a weak man can't love a strong woman. he wouldn't know what to do with her.

pathetic.
thats the word i have been looking for this whole time.
not amazing, not genuine, not perfect. but in fact pathetic.
because thats what you are and thats what you've made this and i have no words for your behaviour but pathetic.
and you actually wonder why its never worked
and you actually blame me
but its you, and maybe it was you the whole time and i just took the blame to preserve the very thought of you and to pretend like you weren't, but you are pathetic.
like you've been from the start.
and the worst thing is, your pathetic-ness is contagious.
and you've rubbed off on me.
I'm just as pathetic as you
because its pathetic to waste so much time on a certain person only to have them prove that they weren't even worth a second of it.

you can't treat people like shit and expect them to love you

The devil is in the detail

I should have known better than to think anymore of this but my hopes were as high as an eagle soaring above but Infact it was a vulture in summer sky circling and waiting for me to die and pick the flesh off my decaying body, in the place I lay, because you killed me. You killed me and I should have struck first but I've hurt you for long enough and it's your turn to seek your revenge in the most sadistic way possible while you laugh over my beaten bloody corpse just the way you like it and just the way you meant it. The difference between the two of us is that I never meant to hurt you and hurting you killed me twice as much. I've died many deaths over you but I'm running out of lives. This seems more permanent. Real. My heart can't take much more.

I always knew you'd be the one to kill me.

sitting next to you doing absolutely nothing means absolutely everything to me

there is this moment
when i put my head on your shoulder
and you rest you head on mine
there is this moment of peace
clarity
like our souls were at peace
whole again
and for a moment i realise that i love you
and that its always been you
and no one else could ever compare.
i wonder if you feel it too
the humble silence
its not madness
magic
or fireworks
theres just you
and me
and peace

the feel of your strong muscles holding me in
like they were designed for that very job
i fall like jelly into your embrace
breath you in

one day, i won't have to let you go
and walk away
but if we wait until we're ready
we might be waiting the rest of our lives

i have so much of you in my heart

I hate waiting

but if waiting means being able to be with you

I'll wait for as long as forever to be with you

i see my future in no one else but you 

but I'm scared

Im scared this will be the biggest drum roll build up to the most overrated moment of my life

can life ever really live up to the expectations in my head

i literally have to remind myself every moment I'm with you, 

that being afraid of things going wrong isn't the way to make things go right.

love can be deadly in the wrong kind of hands

i think its time
time to get it right
I've thought that a thousand times before in the past
but now feels different
feels right
I'm ready
are you?

I have missed you a for a thousand moons
I have loved you for a thousand months
Its written in the stars
and in our greatest sorrows
your face is all i see
we've tried to run, tried to get away from this
but there is nothing we can do
fate, destiny, whatever you want to think

this is the way its supposed to end

just waiting for the time to be right
waiting for each other
waiting for the moment to be right
waiting to make it right

it feels like we've waited forever
but forever is a short time to us mere mortals
and our time is limited
and we've already wasted so much of it

no amount of time could change the way i feel
and i want to make it up to you
to show you the depth of my love for you
it would engulf you
and i hope you would revel in it

its where you belong most.

Ive tripped and ive stumbled through all of my life

surrounded by promises I've broke every time

theres no way I'm allowing my stupid mistakes

to stick around until i bend and break