do i dare come back here?
back to the place where you live
back to the corners of my mind where i swept all the dust and decay that spells your name
do i dare come back to this reality where i romanticise you and everything you aren't and everything you could never be
but maybe thats just it
somewhere along the lines you went from man to myth
you changed from a boy i once maybe thought i wanted, to this idea of the man I'm looking for
maybe it isn't that you actually exist as you but as someone I'm looking for
and when i get lost i circle back and come back here
hoping to find you in someone one day
hoping you're out there looking for me too
i thought my long cold days of searching through the thick dense forests looking for you were over
i settled
and i did what i do best, i saw something in him that wasn't there or real or tangible
i tried to make him you in some kind of ill-thought-out quest to fast track and skip to the end where you and i find each other
and maybe we never find each other
maybe that is our truth
not all people have happy endings
atleast not in this life, maybe in the next, or the new
or maybe this mind is too fucked up and belligerent and its already run from you
again
in some kind of fate meets dumb ass mental illness girl who self sabotages more than she takes breath
but never the less, here i am
looking for you
still
and maybe you don't exsist
and maybe you do and have been and gone
and maybe this is the most potent and destructive thing to ever leave my brain
but here i am
waiting for you
searching to you
some how missing and not knowing you
equally
like some walking paradox of contradictions and confusions
thrashing against the cage of my existential crisis
somehow cathartic and suffocating at this same time
in all these thoughts and made up memories of a boy i once knew
or never knew
hopelessly, helplessly, listlessly longing for you
or a you that i might one day find
