you once told me that were afraid

afraid that its better in your head

that you've wasted 12 years for nothing

there is a look in your eyes that I've never seen before
its like when you look at me, you know
and i know too

thats how i know,
thats when i know
thats what i miss the most

that look

that look when time slows down and no one else in the world exists
or have ever existed
you know the look I'm talking about

but heres a thought,
do you look at anyone else that way
or is it only me

i hope you've only ever looked at me that way
because your the only one i ever see

i dream of you in circles

i dreamt of you again last night
it was your wedding day
and i wasn't walking down the isle towards you
i like to think that you'd never get married
unless you were marrying me
and maybe I'm crazy for even thinking that
or maybe its because your the only one i would
but either way you got married
and i sit in the crowd and watch my heart break
and after you found me
you looked me in the eyes and you knew
you kissed me
on your wedding day
but just at the wrong time
even though we are supposed to be together
you knew it was never going to be enough
and you walked away


and even though i wanted to chase you
i didn't

i just wanted you to be happy

if its not real

so this is my question.  

if its not real, 

if its just an idea 

&& if its not even remotely realistic then why does it feel so right when I'm near you?

why does the sound of your heart beat on my ear feel like the most real thing I've ever felt as a thousand butterfly wings flap their wings in the pit of my stomach, from the same place that feels so ill whenever you've got distance.  You've always liked your distance and only now am i beginning to hate it, since when did we switch roles.  This must have been how you felt all those times and I'm sorry but i can't say its all my fault because you never made your move and i was too selfish or ignorant or too something to see what was right in front of me. 

i was so blind that i couldn't see you. 

if you would have just told me, held my hand, kissed me. 

something. 

anything. 

but i guess ill be always waiting. 

Keep your ship together

It's not going to happen

Ever

It's not real

It's not reality

It's an idea

A dream

A concept

And an appealing one at that

But it's nonexistent 

Its fiction 

be at peace, not in pieces

why can't i let you go? you haunt me in a way i could never escape. you are as much apart of me as i am of myself.
maybe even more
i can't dull the pain in my heart, the pain i feel when we are miles away, in the distance i can feel you
i want to love you
and i want you to love me
but its all unrequited. its all its ever been and I'm so sick and so tired of this game. I'm losing. I've been losing for a while now
maybe I've already lost
you
you don't know the pain i feel. you and me are meant for something or maybe you already know that and feel it too

i could never string together enough half thought out words to express how much i wish i could go back. but I'm scared. I'm scared of you. and me. and what it would mean
I'm scared that id love you too much and you'd never feel the same and we'd never work
your the last thing in this world thats real and i never want to lose that
id rather this sadness and pain and longing for you than nothing at all

i still remember the night i told you i loved you
i play it in loops in my head
until its madness
i dont regret any word of it
not a single word

what came after is where the regrets lie
i want to apologise but I'm not sure you'd want to hear it
i want to tell you i love you but I'm not sure you'd believe it
i want you
and only you

but instead all i have is these memories and a fading hope that it won't be like this forever