our fairytale ending. but life isn't a fairytale.

i closed the door behind me, and you greeted me at the door. the air escaped my lungs and i was breathless at the way you looked in a suit. you're hair spiked and messy and you're eyes sparkled in the moonlight. you smiled, your cheeky smile that i was all too familiar with. your hand reached out for mine, and i held it.
"hey" your words like honey
i simply smiled back as you wrapped your arms around my body, i could get lost in your embrace.
the acceptable amount of time for a hug had long past and i hesitantly pulled myself away from your body. we walked to the car and you commented on my dress as you opened the car door for me, and i got in. the music coming from the speakers was somehow the most perfect backing track to our lives and the night was like a whirlwind, a blur. i could get lost in the way you'd look at me, like i was the only girl in the world and they way you'd laugh at my jokes. you always did have the best laugh. the sun had faded when you asked if i wanted to walk along the beach. i loved the way you felt next to me, and the cold sand between my toes. we walked and laughed and you walked to me to the spot you loved most. the spot that overlooks the city, and the city lights gleamed in your eyes. you walked me out to a platform and held me as i lent over the edge. i was mesmerised my the night sky, the city lights and you. you took a step back and i turned around. you were on one knee and time stood still. you told me you loved me from the moment you met me, that we'd both made mistakes in the past but we were standing here, exactly where we were supposed be. i wanted to freeze time and stay in this moment forever. and then you pulled out a ring. you promised me you'd always keep me on my toes, to be honest with me and to love me until my last breath. the wind was cool on my skin but the sparkle in your eyes gave me goosebumps. it was like i was the only thing you've ever wanted. you promised me forever. you hesitated when you opened your mouth and asked me to marry you. as if the answer was ever in doubt. i paused drinking in this moment like fine wine, i was drunk on the thought of forever.
"yes" the words escaped my lips, they've waited their whole lives to say yes to you.
"yes, i will marry you"
the ring was heavy on my finger, the diamond sparkled withal your love, we sat on the grass, intoxicated by this moment and counted the stars.
you heartbeat loud in my ear, i could tell, it was beating for me.

and heres the thing;
the reason i make these wild unrealistic expectations in men is because i know that person doesn't exist.
and i don't even want him to
if he does exist i don't even want to find him
i don't want this perfect idea
i want you
all of you
your flaws
your strengths
your weaknesses
your anger, smiles, pain
i want it all
because to me, you are perfect
in your imperfection

you don't destroy the people you love.

id plunge my hand into my chest 

to rip my heart out just to 

scrap it for parts 

to fix your broken heart. 

the lights low.
your smooth skin on mine.
your fingers tracing lines on my naked back.
they sweetness of your scent.
the taste of your lips.
your skin between my teeth, 
under my nails. 
your heartbeat loud in my ear.

til my last breath

they say you don’t date your best friend, you marry them, or risk losing your best friend. and i never wanted to risk losing you. but I’ve already lost my best friend so maybe we should have risked it all. but i hope you know, i am arrogant enough to say no one has ever loved you to the depths of which i do. there is not much i have ever been sure of in my life but i am 100 percent sure of my love for you. and yeah, i know how it looks, that i run away when things get too real, but you’re the only person i ever run back to. i would have fought for you and for us until my last breath. i would have destroyed the world to protect you, i would move mountains to make you happy, i would never have given up on you. i would have married you, we would have had the most ridiculously attractive children in the entire world and i would have been the best wife through countless adventures, the ups and downs. i would have stood by your side and held your hand until the end. i would never have given up on you, and over a decade has passed and I’m still here, if that doesn’t prove how real this is then nothing will. nothing you could do in this world could ever stop me from loving you. i love you with a love that is so unconditional that i just want you to be happy. even if you require my absence to achieve that. and yeah i might force myself to move on, and settle with someone who could never be you. just know, when i take my last breath, whether its tomorrow, in 6 years time or in 60 years time. you will be the last thought that crosses my mind. because i will love you until my last breath, whether you're apart of my life or not.

Dashboard confessional - Standard Lines from Joao Quintans on Vimeo.

wildflowers.

the colour of the sunset is still fresh in my mind and i still remember the smell of your cologne as you traced your fingers along the lines of my jaw as you held my face and i breathed you in. we'd count the stars on a starless night as i looked for all the reason why this wasn't a good idea. the fireworks, in the sky and in our chemistry, never failed to impress as my brain got caught on the very thought of you. your hands on my bare skin, the way you pulled me in, the softness of your lips, id waited what felt like a life time for that moment as my logic battled my reason and my desires destroyed them both. i always promised myself to not let moments pass us by, to pick the wild flowers when they bloomed instead of waiting too long and watching them die. this moment wasn't overestimated but rather the most underrated experience i ever had. Reality isn't a place i frequent for it pails in comparison to the image my mind creates but my mind could never have created you and me and that moment more perfectly. i wish i could stay in the moment forever. You never usually know the significance of a moment until its long gone but i knew in that moment the value of every second. When you remember that you can never get a moment back, you cement the perfect ones in your mind to play and replay a hundred times over and store in the box in the corner of my brain to call on when i feel like drowning in all of you.