Nostalgia

Its a dangerous thing to romanticise the past. 

To allow nostalgia to drag up old memories from the depths of our hearts and fashion them into something they're not. 

We built a mirage from a memory and knelt before it like a false god. 

what we called love was nothing but foolish hope.

-- Beau Taplin 

why does one begin to write? because she feels misunderstood, i guess. because it never comes out clearly enough when she tries to speak. because she wants to rephrase the world, to take it in and give it back again differently, so that everything is used and nothing is lost. Because its something to do to pass the time until she finds a way to be the person she pretends to be when she writes about you.

But heres the thing; 

 she is not in love with you

she is in love with the idea of you

and frankly, that is the worst way to love someone.

this.
every single word.

letters to you - part 3

hey, i guess this is a bit of a follow up on what i told you almost a month ago.

i never sent it to change anything, i hope you understand that. 

but i guess i thought it would close a door i have been trying to close for 12 years now. 

and i failed.

i don't care how this comes across, if you want to laugh about me or say I'm crazy but i don't care anymore

i like you and i have for 13 years and I've spent the last 13 years pretending i don't 

and waiting patiently 

but in the last 13 days I've realised one thing,

i can't wait forever and i don't want to.

i know you don't feel about me like that anymore

and thats okay

im not here to force you to like me or even attempt to get you to

the reason I'm writing this is just the opposite

I'm the kind of girl who doesn't fall in love easily but when i do it will move mountains

and i will love you with everything i have, it might not be much but i will love you unconditionally.

i am grateful for your existence even if I'm not supposed to be apart of it

and if you ever cared about me that you should spare me

if your not ready then tell me to wait for you and id wait forever

but please, tell me to move on and stop waisting my time if thats all you ever were

don't worry about hurting me

I've already broken my own heart from loving you

just tell me to move on

to be happy

to get married to someone that isnt you, to settle down and have kids

and live the life I've always imagined with someone else

at this rate I'm hoping one day you'll fall in love with me just as much as I'm hoping one day i will fall out of love with you

i can't keep holding on to nothing

letters to you - Part 2

look, I've been honest with you and i think i deserve some honesty back
i know the answer to all these questions, you answered them by telling me you appreciated my honesty and didn't say another word. and thats okay
but heres the thing,
i need to hear you say those words
i need to hear you tell me you didn't ever love me
that there isn't a future for us
that its not going to happen
its too late
i need to hear it
so i can let go and move on
to me, you and i will always be unfinished business
i need you to be honest with me, for once.
I'm the type of girl who will wait for you
until your ready
to the extent that i will wait for you forever
but thats not fair
we're not getting any younger
i have big dreams for my life,
marriage, kids, i want a life in a painted house with mismatched door handles, starry ceilings hovering over too many memories to fit into four walls and a room full of books that could never contain our story.
but none of my dreams are me waiting around for a guy who will never want me.
i know you don't feel the same, your actions make that clear, but there is still hope inside of me that maybe i should wait. and that one day you will see me like that.
And if thats just not true then i need you to be honest with me.
forget about protecting my feelings, i want the honest truth from you even if it rips my heart out, because if its just me that has felt these things, the kindest thing you can do right now is to rip my heart out. No relationship i have had since i met you has worked, because of you. and no future ones will work, because of you, so I'm stuck now, its your move.

after 13 years, don't you think i deserve honesty?

i am simply thankful for 

your existence,

whether i am meant to be a part of it 

or not.