false hope

and im scared
and its even scarier to think that your the reason i am scared.
im scared because hes not you
and he never will be
im scared that ill always be waiting for you
for us
for an us thats never been
and never will be

that one day ill wake up and youll be my first thought and my last breath
and ive condemned myself to a life without you or us or this
but thats not my future
its not my reality
and its not fair to be stuck in limbo
holding, wishing, sitting, waiting, hoping
for something that never was
never is
and never could be
but here i am
sitting
wishing
waiting
believing in a fairytale thats is inconceivable
unachievable

false.

so this is where we are right now, i ask a question and you get angry
i feel like thats your default setting at this point.
and i just have to sit here holding my thoughts and feelings in so you don't get mad
who knew id end up being the one who would have to tip toe around you.
but we both know you'll be the one to rip my heart out.

gorilla suit.

in another life i used to lie to myself a lot

it was the only way to cope, to achieve

eventually you lie enough to yourself and your body starts to believe the lie

every day you wake up and lie to yourself

"i can do this" the lie screams

"you are good enough"

until one day, you wake up, and realise, its no longer a lie.

its quite a common notion in the sporting world, fake it til you make it.

and i, myself, have found this a very useful and effective tool.

but is the power of lying to yourself to help you achieve work with anything?

which leads me to todays hypothesis;

can you lie yourself happy?

if everyday, you wake up and lie to yourself, but instead of a sporting goal, what if your end goal is happiness?

is that possible? it sounds like a miserable fucking world, to wake up and pretend to be happy, to pretend to be grateful for opening your eyes and taking in a new day. but what if one day i woke up and i didn't have to pretend anymore. what if one day, i woke up and i was happy.

is that a thing?

is that real?

do people even do that? like, their eyes open first thing in the morning, the daylight filtering through their window shades, the birds singing, the warm breeze blows, they inhale, exhale, smile. they roll over, turn to their loved one and kiss them on the face. so entirely consumed by the happiness that is their beautiful life.

it seems entirely like a myth

a legend

something that people say is real but never have any proof off, like they only got a fuzzy picture of happiness, or it just turned out to be a fuck head in a gorilla suit.

and you can't fake that.

and i figured it out.

read this blog.

read it.

whats the overwhelming and reoccurring hypothesis.

"i could tell he loved me by the look in his eyes."

and thats it.

its as simple as that.

as basic as the flat blue of your narcissistic eyes.

that you don't look at me like that.

you dont love me like that.

i look at you and i don't see it.

and thats whats missing.

thats what I'm missing.

how did we get here

you were perfect

and nobody is perfect

but you were perfect in my eyes
perfect in your imperfection

but you fooled me

you fooled everyone

and now i don't even know what it means to feel safe anymore

the winter was long and cold but your lies were even colder, chilling my bones and stealing my oxygen, so slowly that i didn't even know you were suffocating me.

i ask for simple things.

respect.

honesty.

but honestly.

you don't know the meaning of those words.

as sure as the sun will rise tomorrow i know you'll feed me another line. 

another lie.

thats what you do, right?

you take and take and take and i have nothing left to give but my life and you'd probably enjoy my last breath as you watch me give that to you too.

all i want, all I've ever wanted was to be loved in the same way that i love. i love you with every part of my being, with every cell, every breath, every second is spent fixated on you. but i only exist in your world when I'm in front of you. do you realise i have a life outside of yours? its like you think that the TV shows only get broadcasted when your TV is on. little do you realise, they run 24/7 whether your TV is on or not. 

but don't worry. other people are tuning in, j

ust don lose your mind when you break your TV

the best damn thing

sometimes things just sneak up on you

you were never supposed to mean a thing to me

you were never supposed to work your way into my life in such an way that rarely a second goes by that i don't think of you.

your eyes.

the taste of your skin between my teeth.

the look in your eye gazing into the distance when your mind is ticking over.

the way your messages are so mixed.

at least you know it works

you don't know how, or why, or what even the use is

but I'm glad you know

im glad its not just me

and even tho you won't sacrifice a thing for me

maybe one day you will realise

i was the best damn thing you'd ever have.

you dove into me, and suffocated in all that i was
you surrounded yourself in every moment
and threw caution to the wind
as you learned the textures of my skin
you gripped my flaws
and kissed my insecurities
you made me feel so beautiful
you made me feel safe
and loved
and desired

and then you left.
you left and didn't say a word
and all that was left was the realisation that it meant nothing to you
it was just a game.
im sick of being the prize.