write drunk

Ernest Hemming way once said,

there is nothing to writing.

all you do is sit down at a typewriter

and bleed.

and i guess literature is the art of turning blood into ink, and i guess i have that down pat.
thats what this blog really is, a chronologically documented series of all the times you've torn me down
i could build the worlds tallest building with all the pain you've given me, but you'd plant dynamite on every level and lower me into the false sense of belief that I'm building something good with all this pain and I'm freeing myself from you but just when i think the job is over and I'm standing atop the trees with you miles below me, so far i almost forget the sound of your voice, you flick the switch, fire the dynamite and bring me crashing back down to you but i can't find you under all the debris and i can't find me, and i don't know who i am at this level and you won't help me and you won't come to find me, its like you take pleasure in watching me fall.

Bob Marley once said,

the biggest coward is a man who awakens a woman love 

with no intention of loving her. 

and your the biggest coward of them all and i wish i could understand what goes through your head and i wish you would say what your thinking but wishing that is like wishing upon a star, you know it means nothing and that i mean nothing to you and it was nothing but wishful thinking in the most pointless and hopeless way possible as we both know the truth and we both know the answer and it because your too afraid to love me and quite frankly i don't know how i can love you but love isn't enough, even if we think its all we ever need, i know i need more and i need to hear it and i need to see it and i need to feel it and i need to make something out of all this nothingness but your the only thing i feel in a world full of despair and fear and bad choices and lost hopes and in a world full of fake friends, fake feelings and fake people, your the only thing thats real and the love i feel could light any darkness but you've flicked the switch and you act as if i don't mean a thing, and maybe i don't but maybe you should be clear instead of playing stupid games where there is no winner because you've always been a loser and thats where your most comfortable. your a loser and you know it and i know it. the entire goddamn world knows it. and thats where you'll stay and thats where you belong and your too far gone to be saved and i need to remember that every time my heart skips a beat when i think of you and when my brain swirls and my thoughts become nothing but unintelligible rubbish spewing from my fingers, is that your somehow the best guy and the worst guy I've ever known and i hate you almost as much as i love you and my love for you could fill an ocean so imagine how much you've made me hate you.

Hemmingway once said;

write hard and clear about what hurts you.

and i guess this blog even exists because no one can possible hurt me even remotely like you do.



Hemingway also said to write drunk so that works for me too.

step up to the plate

sometimes i wonder if your sleepless nights are for the same reason as mine,
then i remind myself that if you wanted this,
if you wanted to see me,
you would.

the simple fact is that you can love someone until your entire world stops but that doesn't for a second mean you are right for each other or that its even going to work.
the fact is; relationship are about more than love. or lust or any other desire.
there are several ingredients that make a good relationship.
don't get me wrong, you can cut up tomatoes add to to some pasta and still call it spaghetti, but that will be some weak ass spaghetti.
you need sauces, herbs and spices, and each and every aspect is very important in its right proportions.
after years of cooking you eventually figure out the exact amount of salt, of tomato to suit your taste
therefore you can have two people and throw in some love and call it a relationship but that will be one weak ass relationship
you need so much more to make it work
and while love is the main ingredient, without compromise, communication, honestly, respect, understanding and fun,
it won't be enough
it might be enough for some people
but it won't be enough for you
but you know what the most important thing is to a successful relationship.
having any relationship at all.
12 years in, and we're still putting on the batters helmet.

we'll always be stuck on the bench too afraid to step up to the plate
too afraid to get run out at first.

and thats the saddest thing of all

i wish i could find a way express into text the thoughts that whirlwind through my mind, like a hurricane.

its like I'm drowning in my own storm.

its so easy to question if a person loves you, truly loves you and i've never had to question you

i can tell by the look in your eye

i never knew it when we were younger because you never made your move

if honesty prevailed at least once

id like to think we wouldn't have wasted so much time

it scares me to think that we've missed our shot

that you don't feel a thing anymore

i can't bare the thought that this might have all been for nothing

you once told me that were afraid

afraid that its better in your head

that you've wasted 12 years for nothing

there is a look in your eyes that I've never seen before
its like when you look at me, you know
and i know too

thats how i know,
thats when i know
thats what i miss the most

that look

that look when time slows down and no one else in the world exists
or have ever existed
you know the look I'm talking about

but heres a thought,
do you look at anyone else that way
or is it only me

i hope you've only ever looked at me that way
because your the only one i ever see

i dream of you in circles

i dreamt of you again last night
it was your wedding day
and i wasn't walking down the isle towards you
i like to think that you'd never get married
unless you were marrying me
and maybe I'm crazy for even thinking that
or maybe its because your the only one i would
but either way you got married
and i sit in the crowd and watch my heart break
and after you found me
you looked me in the eyes and you knew
you kissed me
on your wedding day
but just at the wrong time
even though we are supposed to be together
you knew it was never going to be enough
and you walked away


and even though i wanted to chase you
i didn't

i just wanted you to be happy

if its not real

so this is my question.  

if its not real, 

if its just an idea 

&& if its not even remotely realistic then why does it feel so right when I'm near you?

why does the sound of your heart beat on my ear feel like the most real thing I've ever felt as a thousand butterfly wings flap their wings in the pit of my stomach, from the same place that feels so ill whenever you've got distance.  You've always liked your distance and only now am i beginning to hate it, since when did we switch roles.  This must have been how you felt all those times and I'm sorry but i can't say its all my fault because you never made your move and i was too selfish or ignorant or too something to see what was right in front of me. 

i was so blind that i couldn't see you. 

if you would have just told me, held my hand, kissed me. 

something. 

anything. 

but i guess ill be always waiting. 

Keep your ship together

It's not going to happen

Ever

It's not real

It's not reality

It's an idea

A dream

A concept

And an appealing one at that

But it's nonexistent 

Its fiction