be careful what you wish for

and here i am, sitting on the edge of this chair, cold air chilling my lungs and making me feel completely hopeless. they wanted to bury me and i fear that they have. trapped. cold alone. i wanted to move on from this with the changing of the seasons but the only thing thats changing in me in my ability to fight. the truth is, I'm a strong as an ant and right now i feel just a small. almost irrelevant as the pictures in my mind torment me to the brink of sanity and reason because i see no reason for me to take another breath and i sit breathlessly in front you without even the slightest amount of hope.
hopeless.
the way i was born.
the way i have lived
and the way i will invariably die
my biggest obstacle has always been the voices in my head but instead they have now become you
and us
and them
me against the world
do i really know any other way. in the epitome of a fruitless effort i have tried fruitlessly to change the game this time around, but i have soured and gone rotten on the tree now only waiting for fall lifelessly to earth and become the dust you walk on. and you will walk through this earth better off for knowing me, but better off without me. just like the rest of them. i keep trying to find reason to fight but my reasons aren't reasons they're excuses and in the end i know what needs to happen and i know what needs to be done. and the time is coming for action. the time is coming now. they say sticks and stones may break your bones but words can end a life. so watch your words and your actions too, then watch mine... and carry that one your conscious forever. knowing that i tried and knowing that you drowned me in all that you think you are with your arrogance and narcissistic self important because at the end of the day you wanted this, you wanted me dead and now i am.

 and i wholeheartedly blame you.

you were supposed to love him, but you hated me more.

be careful what you wish for.

false hope

and im scared
and its even scarier to think that your the reason i am scared.
im scared because hes not you
and he never will be
im scared that ill always be waiting for you
for us
for an us thats never been
and never will be

that one day ill wake up and youll be my first thought and my last breath
and ive condemned myself to a life without you or us or this
but thats not my future
its not my reality
and its not fair to be stuck in limbo
holding, wishing, sitting, waiting, hoping
for something that never was
never is
and never could be
but here i am
sitting
wishing
waiting
believing in a fairytale thats is inconceivable
unachievable

false.

so this is where we are right now, i ask a question and you get angry
i feel like thats your default setting at this point.
and i just have to sit here holding my thoughts and feelings in so you don't get mad
who knew id end up being the one who would have to tip toe around you.
but we both know you'll be the one to rip my heart out.

gorilla suit.

in another life i used to lie to myself a lot

it was the only way to cope, to achieve

eventually you lie enough to yourself and your body starts to believe the lie

every day you wake up and lie to yourself

"i can do this" the lie screams

"you are good enough"

until one day, you wake up, and realise, its no longer a lie.

its quite a common notion in the sporting world, fake it til you make it.

and i, myself, have found this a very useful and effective tool.

but is the power of lying to yourself to help you achieve work with anything?

which leads me to todays hypothesis;

can you lie yourself happy?

if everyday, you wake up and lie to yourself, but instead of a sporting goal, what if your end goal is happiness?

is that possible? it sounds like a miserable fucking world, to wake up and pretend to be happy, to pretend to be grateful for opening your eyes and taking in a new day. but what if one day i woke up and i didn't have to pretend anymore. what if one day, i woke up and i was happy.

is that a thing?

is that real?

do people even do that? like, their eyes open first thing in the morning, the daylight filtering through their window shades, the birds singing, the warm breeze blows, they inhale, exhale, smile. they roll over, turn to their loved one and kiss them on the face. so entirely consumed by the happiness that is their beautiful life.

it seems entirely like a myth

a legend

something that people say is real but never have any proof off, like they only got a fuzzy picture of happiness, or it just turned out to be a fuck head in a gorilla suit.

and you can't fake that.

and i figured it out.

read this blog.

read it.

whats the overwhelming and reoccurring hypothesis.

"i could tell he loved me by the look in his eyes."

and thats it.

its as simple as that.

as basic as the flat blue of your narcissistic eyes.

that you don't look at me like that.

you dont love me like that.

i look at you and i don't see it.

and thats whats missing.

thats what I'm missing.

how did we get here

you were perfect

and nobody is perfect

but you were perfect in my eyes
perfect in your imperfection

but you fooled me

you fooled everyone

and now i don't even know what it means to feel safe anymore

the winter was long and cold but your lies were even colder, chilling my bones and stealing my oxygen, so slowly that i didn't even know you were suffocating me.

i ask for simple things.

respect.

honesty.

but honestly.

you don't know the meaning of those words.

as sure as the sun will rise tomorrow i know you'll feed me another line. 

another lie.

thats what you do, right?

you take and take and take and i have nothing left to give but my life and you'd probably enjoy my last breath as you watch me give that to you too.

all i want, all I've ever wanted was to be loved in the same way that i love. i love you with every part of my being, with every cell, every breath, every second is spent fixated on you. but i only exist in your world when I'm in front of you. do you realise i have a life outside of yours? its like you think that the TV shows only get broadcasted when your TV is on. little do you realise, they run 24/7 whether your TV is on or not. 

but don't worry. other people are tuning in, j

ust don lose your mind when you break your TV

the best damn thing

sometimes things just sneak up on you

you were never supposed to mean a thing to me

you were never supposed to work your way into my life in such an way that rarely a second goes by that i don't think of you.

your eyes.

the taste of your skin between my teeth.

the look in your eye gazing into the distance when your mind is ticking over.

the way your messages are so mixed.

at least you know it works

you don't know how, or why, or what even the use is

but I'm glad you know

im glad its not just me

and even tho you won't sacrifice a thing for me

maybe one day you will realise

i was the best damn thing you'd ever have.