terrible things

So don't fall in love there's just too much to lose,

If given the choice then I beg you to choose

To walk away walk away dont let it get you

I cant bare to see the same happen to you

enough

I've been your victim, 

enslaved by your manipulation.

Controlled by your calculated actions

Your empty promises

Your meaningless words

I've served you loyally for 5 years

In love with my captor

But I've opened my eyes

The days renewed

I hold the power now

Now you serve me.

one step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you

Darling dont be afraid, I have loved you

For a thousand years

I'll love you for a thousand more.

you.

What happened to him

The boy i used to know

A breath of warm air on cold lungs

Who laughing sunshine and hope

Was full of mystery and desire

The boy who dared to dream and fly on the wings of roses

Lived by the breath of the ocean and fed on the suns rays

Who'd flower and be so obviously beautiful that id question why no one else could see it

Did you even exist?

Or was the reason you were only visible to me because I had imagined the whole thing

So desperately obvious for a way out and into the new that I fabricated the very essence of your existence 

You felt real

Smelt real

Tasted real

But it wouldn't be the first time I've fallen in love with the idea of who I felt you could be only to be tidalwaved by who you are and who you never could be.

Maybe im too disconnected with reality 

Maybe I expect too much

Is it too much to want to be loved whole

To be desired, supported and appreciated 

If thats too much then maybe I dont want it

I wasn't born, lived and survived all this to be met with something less

Or maybe this is all I deserve

Destined to be nothing more than nothing

Deserve something less than everything

I'd rather have nothing than feel like this

I'd rather have nothing than feel like nothing

THE EMPTY ROOM

this empty room
empty apart from me but I'm so empty I'm not even sure i count anymore
the hollowness and taping keys
the voices in my head telling me to leave
this isn't where i thought id be

the air-conditioner whirls
its cold but I'm so cold inside i barely notice
the gentle and purring breeze
this happiness that i can't seize
i don't know where to find the key

the darkened room
its dark somehow even though the sun outside shining
but this stale air is thick and dire
id pretend to be happy but I'm no liar
i don't know why theres no light to see

the time ticks on
time moves forward but somehow I'm stuck right here
to this frozen moment i am a slave
every day praying I'm closer to the grave
i think we know how this ends for me

do i dare?

do i dare come back here?

back to the place where you live

back to the corners of my mind where i swept all the dust and decay that spells your name

do i dare come back to this reality where i romanticise you and everything you aren't and everything you could never be

but maybe thats just it

somewhere along the lines you went from man to myth 

you changed from a boy i once maybe thought i wanted, to this idea of the man I'm looking for

maybe it isn't that you actually exist as you but as someone I'm looking for

and when i get lost i circle back and come back here

hoping to find you in someone one day

hoping you're out there looking for me too

i thought my long cold days of searching through the thick dense forests looking for you were over

i settled

and i did what i do best, i saw something in him that wasn't there or real or tangible

i tried to make him you in some kind of ill-thought-out quest to fast track and skip to the end where you and i find each other

and maybe we never find each other

maybe that is our truth

not all people have happy endings

atleast not in this life, maybe in the next, or the new

or maybe this mind is too fucked up and belligerent and its already run from you

again

in some kind of fate meets dumb ass mental illness girl who self sabotages more than she takes breath

but never the less, here i am

looking for you

still

and maybe you don't exsist 

and maybe you do and have been and gone

and maybe this is the most potent and destructive thing to ever leave my brain 

but here i am

waiting for you

searching to you

some how missing and not knowing you

equally

like some walking paradox of contradictions and confusions

thrashing against the cage of my existential crisis

somehow cathartic and suffocating at this same time

in all these thoughts and made up memories of a boy i once knew

or never knew

hopelessly, helplessly, listlessly longing for you

or a you that i might one day find

there is this voice inside my head

its words echo and bounce of the corners of my mind

the darkness spreads in lulls 

it climbs slow but moves fast

theres this nothingness about my solitude 

surrounded by this screaming noise

in the middle of nowhere

the quite remains chaotic

the still is anything but calm

and no one can see the deafening noise inside of me

the persists, and provokes and its paralysing 

keeping me here but making me run

but no matter how far i run

how fast the distance is covered 

i can not out run the nagging nothingness that is somehow everything

do you ever wake up and wonder what the silence actually sounds like?

the silence in the minds of others

is it really nothingness

a quite somber high pitched faded ringing

the sound of the world

the wind

the rain

the sunshine