the cold wind blows
but the suns somehow warm
my head says be in it
but my heart is all torn
the hesitation in your voice
the sweet smell of your words
the bitterness of your actions
your lies like mockingbirds
id tell you that i love you
but i swore to you that im no liar
this chill has settled in my bones
its been years since we had fire
the awkward walk back to the car
you asked if there was hope
i tried not to lie and still make it pretty
i'll be your human kaleidoscope
could it be that i was wrong about you from the start?
or did i just know your ending?
i used to think you were better in my head, better in the abstract but you give me moments that prove that wrong
the person i think you are in the person you actually are
beneath all the bullshit, the person you pretend to be
but i see you
i always have
even when you cant see yourself
i wish we could go back to a time where we could have gotten it right
figured it out
and got out of our own damn way
its hard not to feel like thats gone now
id take our chance in an instant but doing so means you have some big dreams to give up
and we both know i am not worth that
and i dont want you to sacrifice that for me
i love you enough to know that you will be happier with someone else
even if we both know that she could never love you like i could.
sometimes i wish i could go back in time to the places we missed the most. our timing was always impeccable and the tension always palpable. we could sit and wait and laugh and love. but do it right this time.
but honestly, one of the best moments weve ever had are these ones. today.
i waited years for the taste of your lips but even longer for your honesty.
after 19 years. 19 years.
i got my first taste
and it was as enriching and loving and cathartic of an experience as i will ever have.
and even though it doesnt mean i thing, i will catalog that one as one of the best.
im getting vague flashbacks of that night
you said pool room and that was my first glimpse
but the more i think about it the more pieces that come back
your hair in my fingers
the feel of your lower lip between my teeth
your wandering hands
my wandering thoughts
hot and passionate was how you described it
i like those words on your lips when describing me
but flip the coin and youre gone
i ruined it
because thats just what i do
i took the delicacy of that moment and i crush it in my vulnerabilities,
after all, you cant hurt me if i hurt you first
you deserve so much better than me
but i loved you so much for and so long and it brought out the worst in me
