Eclipse

was average

but edward in that shirt... o...m...g....... 

one step forward, two steps back.

&& i'm on a sinking ship

we're taking on more water then i can shovel out

it wont be long until we go under

scared to hope.

.
Cause I need freedom now

&& I need to know how

To live my life as 
its meant to be

&& I will hold on hope

&& I won't let you choke

On the noose around your neck

&& I'll find strength in pain

&& I will change my ways

Ill know my name 
as it's called again

- the cave
mumford & sons

desperation.

&& all the days,
the hours && minutes
mean nothing

if i don't get this right.

this was supposed to make me feel better.. not worse.

the darkness descends

the road i walk is empty

lined with hollow dreams

lit with discarded screams

where will i go?

its raining outside

im searching for a rainbow

the beauty in misery

but sun is going down

i feel the need to write

to help relieve my pain

but ive sat, uselessly, 

at this computer screen

for longer then necessary

&& maybe thats because

i dont actually feel pain

or sorrow

or anything at all

&& thats the scariest thing of all.

i'm just empty.

ashamed

&& the thoughts that connect meaning to this madness inside my head 

are in the furtherest corners of my mind

&& the words that could justify feelings that cause this ache 

just never reach the surface

being human has never been so undesirable.

Live hand grenade.

is it time to pull the pin?

Help me, so that I can breathe again.

don't take my photograph

coz i don't wanna know

how it looks

to feel like 

this.

- Newton Faulkner

something i cant do.

BELIEVE IN

YOURSELF

cuddles on the couch

in a world full of wrong

your the only thing thats right

maybe im not ok.

"i'm fine thanks"

"much better"

"i'm okay, really"

"i'm handling it"

"i'll be okay"

They always thought i stopped lying,

but I just got better at it.

her innocence && brilliance clash at the speed of light && she

shines brighter then the sun itself.

is it too much that im asking for?

no way out of the mind

Against the wind we run

&& sometimes it feels we'll run forever

but run we must

unsure why

but certain we must.

"Perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything

it is because we are dangerously close

to wanting nothing."

- Sylvia Plath

the nicest thing for me is sleep, then at least i can dream

Time passes.

Even when it seems impossible.

Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise.

It passes unevenly, in strange lurches && dragging lulls, but pass it does.

Even for me.

- new moon

time heals nothing - 2 years on ♥

RIP DEEFY

He is my other eyes that can see above the clouds;

my other ears that hear above the winds.

He is the part of me that can reach out into the sea.

He has told me a thousand times over that I am his reason for being;

by the way he rests against my leg;

by the way he thumps his tail at my smallest smile;

by the way he shows his hurt when I leave without taking him.

(I think it makes him sick with worry when he is not along to care for me.)

When I am wrong, he is delighted to forgive.

When I am angry, he clowns to make me smile.

When I am happy, he is joy unbounded.

When I am a fool, he ignores it.

When I succeed, he brags.

Without him, I am only another girl.

With him, I am all-powerful.

He is loyalty itself.

He has taught me the meaning of devotion.

With him, I know a secret comfort and a private peace.

He has brought me understanding where before I was ignorant.

His head on my knee can heal my human hurts.

His presence by my side is protection against

my fears of dark and unknown things.

He has promised to wait for me...

whenever... wherever - in case I need him.

And I expect I will - as I always have.

He's my one and only true friend.

He is just my Defa.

Defa

x T A T S x | MySpace Video

To call him a dog hardly seemed to do him justice,

though inasmuch as he had four legs, and a tail, and barked,

I admit he was, to all outward appearances.

But to those of us who knew him well,

he was a perfect gentleman.

run away with me?

the fact is fiction

i love how you cant even have a conversation with me.

you ask a question but really dont wanna know the answer

&& im not sure i can/want to take it anymore

there is only so long you can lie to yourself

but if i was being honest

its becoming more apparent to me how much of a lie the truth is.

you can want something so strongly

but it doesnt mean that its true

i can sit here, and tell you all the ways i want to love you

but your making it so damn easy to hate you

i wanna say i love you

&& i hope thats true

but the fact is fiction.

but its not up to me anymore

if you want me in your life

you need to fight && change to keep me here.

Dear Body,

i dont know why we have been at war for so long. i wish i could find a way to love you. when you were little people would tell me that your not good enough, not thin enough, or strong enough, and i started to hate you.

Arms.
Im sorry for breaking and dislocating you constantly and making you do 100's of push ups a day. I used wish you were skinner but I should of appreciated you for what you are.
Tough.

Feet.
Despite the fact im on you most of the hours in a day, id say were pretty cool with each other, except i dont like when people look at you. Im sorry I intend on tattooing you. But thanks for being cool to dress up in volleys.

Hair.
Im sorry for straightening, bleaching and dying the hell out of you. im sorry for not brushing you enough and threatening to shave you off. Im sorry my bangs are cut poorly and for not letting them grow out since 2000.

Eyes.
Your the only thing thats beautiful in a typical sort of way.
I used to think i made you the best but.. well.. anyway, now your older the lines are starting to come so it doesnt really matter anyway. Im sorry for wearing so many of other peoples reading glasses and covering you in thick black eye liner.

Legs.
Im sorry for running and training on you many many hours a week and making you lift heavy weights only to complain that your too thick after carrying me and winning medals all these years.
Tho, it wouldnt hurt if u were longer.

Nose.
Im sorry for supressing so many sneezes in social situations.
I wish you were straighter but thanks for not being oversized.

Ankles.
My arch enemy
Your weak and pathetic and always roll, crack and hurt.
Im sorry for playing soccer on you for so many years.
But maybe you'll forgive me now I've stopped
please get stronger.

Butt.
i know that ive always complained that your too big or too wide dispite the fact many guys think ur a great ASSet. Im sorry I never realised your my power source when I run and hurdle. You do the most work and i should appreciate you more.

Tummy.
Im sorry for filling you with my bizare non-athletic diet of chocolate and junk food and eating sugar til you feel sick then starving you and doing a zillion ab exercises to make up for it.
when my life slows down, maybe ill treat you better.

Lips.
sorry for piercing you and planning on piercing you more. and for all the split lips you've endured, but if you kept closed maybe you would have been treated better.
but you've kept my secrets safe.
sorry you never got what you wanted.
i dont think you ever will.

Back.
i wish you stood taller and straighter.
im sorry for the amount for stress i put you threw over the years.
but you constantly hurt me so i guess we are even.

Sorry for tattooing you and planing to do it again. and again. and again.

Boobs.
sorry i dont appreciate you more. sometimes i wish you were bigger but you never really let me down
tho you get in the way when i train.

Brain.
you are my favorite.
you are strong, motivated, and determined
you are the best part about me but i do wish you would be nicer to the rest of us.
maybe if i used you a little more i wouldn't get into so much trouble
but thanks for being so open minded and imaginative.

Hands.
Sorry for the countless hours of smashing the guitar with you, jaming on the drums, writing or simply drawing. your my most creative feature. sorry for saying you look 40 or 50 years old. i wish u had longer fingers but overall there the right size to fit perfectly into his hand.

Ears.
im sorry i damage you by going to rock concerts and listing to my music too loud but thanks for bringing music into my life.
im sorry i pierced you alot but its punshiment for sticking out so much, sorry for hiding you, but other then for music, i dont really use you anyway.

Teeth.
your alright, sorry for brushing you so much in a bizarre ditch effort to get you whiter.
Sorry for all the sugar i eat and for damaging you with my lip ring.


Heart.
sorry for being so careful with you.
but thanks for being so courageous.

Body, if you can find it in your heart, forgive me
i know i dont deserve you.

i fucking love you

my heart breaks again and again with every second your not here.

On the 16th of February 1996.

It was a Friday and i woke up with a sense of excitement in the air. after the school day had finished we jumped into the Van we had, and drove down to the pound. I was bright eyed, curious and only 7. We'd never had a dog before. We walked down the corridor of cages, assessing all the dogs, big and small. and that was when i first i saw him, he was barking louder then all the other dogs, he had golden bronze-ish hair and the cutest face you'd ever hope to see. he was jumping at the cage with his tail beating out of control. while dad walked up and down the line of cages, i sat there with him. He was scary as hell, and almost wolf-like, but there was something about him i was drawn too.

"That one" Dad announced pointing at the dog behind the cage which i was standing in front of. My eyes lit up.

"That one?" the pound employee asked skeptically.

"Yep, that one, he barks the loudest" typical dad reasoning.

I turned back, looking through new eyes at my new best friend. The man opened the cage and walked the dog out and it suddenly dawned on my the overwhelming size and strength of this animal.

As dad was filling out paperwork, the light in my eyes had faded into true fear as the dog eyed me, hungrily, from across the driveway.

"What are you going to call him" the man asked, making small talk.

"I dunno mate" dad replied politely

"you should call him Lucky"

"Lucky?" dad asked, confused and now looking at the man

"Yeah, he was due to get put down at five" he annouced, somewhat looking forward to the job.

I looked down at the time, the bright red clock on the dash board told me it was four-thirty-five.

The drive home was scary, with a giant dog in the back of our van, barking loudly and trampling my school bag.

The next thing i remember was running away from him as he chased me around the backyard, i was screaming in genuine fear while mum and dad laughed from the distance.

"He's not going to hurt you" mum yelled

"are you sure" i questioned skeptically, still running, still screaming.

"Just put your hand out, he just wants to meet you" she answered. and there was something in the way she said it that made me believe her.

i ran and hid behind on the the chairs in the backyard which i could use as a shield if i had too. The dog slowed to a walk, he could sense my hesitation. with a huge gulp, i swallowed my fear and reached my hand up, palm down, to the enormous dog. He approached me, slowly, and touched his nose to my hand, it was cold and wet and curious. I almost cringed away from the dog as fear engulfed me but before i could, he licked my hand in the most playful of ways, his tail a sweeping picture of happiness. He proceeded to put his head under my - still frozen - hand and demanded i pat him. He spent the next few hours getting to know each other and by the time mum called me in for dinner, we were best friends.

Over the next few years, we did everything together, we were a trio, Cheryl-Anne, myself and the Dog. Defa. We played games where he was the shark and we we're pirates, and had cubby houses we had to suddenly evacuate when he'd let a fart rip and the smell himself (hahah). We even played soccer with him, i recall him beating my sister, 4-nil.

We didnt always get along. there were times when i took him for a walk and he dragged me, face down on the concrete, across 2 lanes of traffic in the pursuit of the barking dog across the road. But he was still my best friend in the whole entire world.

When i miss him, or when im sad, i think of him and he makes everything seem okay.

over the years, ive made a mental list of the things i miss the most, and although my heart aches for him, he makes me eternally grateful that i had him in my life for all those years.

the list starts off, in no particular order:

1. you couldnt sit on the ground in the back yard, he used to run to the other side of the yard, wind himself up and charge at you and try to wrestle you.
2. he spent so many hours trying to teach him how to jump on the fixed BBQ we had outside and the look on mums face when she discovered we succeeded was priceless, as she looked outside to the barking dog with two legs on the BBQ chimney and 2 legs on the hot plate, standing tall and looking over the fence.
3. the training session we used to do at the big sand hill in armadale and he used to run through the bush so gloriously, and free, and we'd spend hours playing hide and seek together.
4. the way he used to cuddle me when he knew i was sad, he would come up from behind when i sat on the ledge of our backyard, he would force his little nose under my arm and demand i not be upset anymore.
   
   
5. he used to take two steps, then jump straight in the air when i used to take him for walk, getting impatient at my lack of speed.
6. i used to take him for runs. he would run and i would put my rollerblades on and hang on for dear life, but he knew, never to deviate from the footpath and to always stop at every road.
7. without fail, in every house we lived in, he would seek out which window was mine and sleep beneath it, always protecting me.
8. as he got older, id have to wake up in the winter mornings, id wonder outside and cover him with a blanket so he was warm and snug and he'd always gave me an appreciative smile for thanks
   
   
9. although he hated the water, when we took him to the beach he got nervous when i used to go in, to the point he would risk the water and the waves to try and save me, but by the time he got to me, in his panic, it was unclear who had to save who.
10. during the last years we spent together. i used to sneek him inside during the day and we'd sit together on the bean bags and share lunch and watch daytime tv.

No matter what i did, no matter how bad of a person i had been or how much of a failure i had proved to be, you always loved me. unconditionally.

its hard to believe i havent seen you in 2 whole years, but know, there isnt a day that goes by the i dont think of you, love you, and miss you

you were the best friend i could ever have

and i would trade everything in this entire world,

just to see you again

i'll love you forever Defa.

the fallen angel rises

only as high as I reach can I grow,

only as far as I seek can I go,

only as deep as I look can I see,

only as much as I dream can I be.

there is something about you that i just can't seem to shake

i will always love you

there are one set of eyes,

that has never glared at me,

&& one set of ears,

who has always listen to me,

there are one set of lips,

that have never spoken bad about me

&& one set of arms,

that always want a hug

&& one beautifully pure heart

thats has done nothing less

then love me entirely

i miss you

moon pie

cody-moe

mocca-cup

coco

monkey

cody-pie

mocks

faceee

Cody ♥

keep that smile on your face beautiful

I'd like to think that i dont need anyone.

that im strong enough to face this world

- && everything it throws at me -

a l o n e

But i cant && there are few i actually need

to give me strength

pride

belief

laughter

love ♥

ive realised im risking eventual pain,

but its okay to give them my heart

please dont break it.

back to basics.

i hate when i look into the mirror

&& see how ive changed for you

do you remember the girl you met 5 years ago?

im not who i wanna be

im just who you want me to be

&& we wonder why im miserable

&& we wonder why i dont know who i am anymore.

i need to do this

&& i need you to love me for it

&& to tell me im beautiful

even if we both know thats just not true.

im cutting all my hair off

well, not all of it. just half of it

&& before you stress, dont worry

i'll save up for super long extensions first

&& for bleach too

its ok if that all fails, i already own a black wig

&& i know you like my hair long

but i want this.

can you give me this

i want a shopping spree in the most punkest shops

to buy all that is red, black, white and starry ☆★

i want an endless amount of ink in my veins

&& every coloured piercing in every possible place

i want a full thick long head of blue, purple, red and black hair.

i want golden contact lens && to play my guitar too loud

i want to be a lounge room rock star

&& drink until the nights blur into days

i want to jump around && wear too thick eyeliner

i want long shirts with written profanities

i want to laugh like i dont care what they think

&& own every possible design of sweatband

i want legs covered in fish net stockings

all the way to my long socks && converse all stars

i want black worn nail polish and bright red lip stick

&& to jump off high structures && out of perfectly good planes

i want to cover my room in polaroids && posters

&& listen to music so loud the neighbors complain

i want to see you through a too long fringe

&& to scream my lungs out && live my life MY way

i want you to give me all this.

without judgement

without blocking my every idea of individualism

since ive always supported you

because this is who i am.

im sick of pretending i want this.

i wish i could tie my shoelaces together

&& throw them over the telephone lines

so i could pass them everyday

&& know my dreams are as far out of reach

as the shoes which failed to get me there.

downside upside down.

i woke up in a unfamiliar place today.

it took me a second to remember where i had fallen asleep.

my eyes were burning and blurry from the light filtering through my blinds and my body felt like its been up all night. My mind was restless fighting to determine what was reality and what was a dream. I rolled over in my empty bed. I rubbed my eyes to no avail while i looked at my watch which sat delicately on top of the books i was reading before i went to sleep. Its gotta be before 7, i thought to myself. the clock read 8.42am and i was surprised at the extent of my sleep in compared to the level of fatigue cursing through my veins. i rolled back over and closed my eyes. searching the corners of my mind for the last dream that encompassed this place. My brain struggled as i remembered segments of my dreams which i tried - too hard - to place together. i closed my eyes tighter trying to fall asleep again in hopes of finishing off my dream. i laid there, motionless in my bed, for a good half an hour before i deemed the attempt useless and rolled onto my back. i let my eyes wonder, tracing the shadows the sun drew on my celling as i tried to imagine how the rest of that dream would go. In my dream, i found you. and that you wanted me too. i remembered your crooked smile that wrinkled at your eyes, your bed hair coupled with your perfect features. i tried to imagine the ending to my dream, to place you and me together.

forever.

but even my imagination couldnt give me what i was searching for.

I closed my eyes, hard, trying to picture our happily ever after. But i guess its so unrealistic and even in my wildest dreams,

we dont end up together.

nothing is without cost

our time is about to expire

id put more money in the machine if i could

but i cant afford what their asking for

our minds are sadly amazing

if its not right in front of your face

its easy to forget

apparently, im easy to forget.

i guess thats the downfall

take it all away && im

an exceptionally average person

do you even remember my name?

i knew there would be sacrifices

and i guess i hoped in vain

that i would never have to sacrifice this

my blessing is our curse

take a deep breath

&& know it was all in vain

you're to far away

we're sleeping.

we're sleeping with our eyes open.

we're sleeping away the season since this winter it's just getting colder

there's a chill that's setting in our bones

&& we're waiting for summer to thaw us out.

we're waiting

&& some days, it feels like we'll wait forever.

we're waiting

&& my hand is getting colder without yours in it.

we're waiting

&& it's taking too long

&& we just keep getting colder,

but i promise,

our hearts are getting warm.

you are my sunshine

somethings swallowed up the breadcrumbs that we left

so take each day as it come

&& let it lead us to the next

pausing

- only annually -

to celebrate our breath

to let life laugh in the face of death

measure moments by the depth

and the company they kept

instead of dressing dogs and gods

who kept us fearful while they slept

we should rest && be thankful

however we've misstepped

Happy Birthday Jason