Ive been thinking for the last week about the IDEA of love.
the idea of you

and wondering if you could ever live up to the you i have created in the corners of my mind.

i have this idea in my head
about what it should be
and what you should be.

sometime i think you could never be him.
the person you are in my mind
and the past hasn't done you any favours as you've always fallen short.
but something is new. changed. different.

it's like, maybe you are the guy i write about in this blog
maybe you could be
maybe we are perfect for each other in a typical sort of way.

I try to imagine us
5 years down the track
giving us a go but failing.
could i see us arguing?
hating each other?
and fall out of love?

but i already feel like i love you way too much to let that happen
i already feel like i would fight to the death for you

i love you in a way that is unbounded and unchained. a love that runs wild and free and not the way people mistake lust for love. how many second chances have we already given each other and still can't shake this. how many issues have we had, treated each other like shit and still come back for more.


Love it may hurt and it might not work


but with you, it could.

i wish it would.

well that answers that

you are it

you are, perfectly and unequivocally, it

the most misguided thought Ive ever had was that you might not be what my mind paints you to be

but the truth is, you are more than i ever could imagine

you exceeded in every way the guy who lives in my dreams

and i think its the first time I've ever been surprised by you

the very thought of you makes it feel like my heart is beating for the first time

your so much more understanding than i ever could have hoped for

your a safe place I've always felt comfortable, welcomed, wanted

the hardest thing i ever have to do is let go of your hug, get in the car and drive away.

and pretend like that i don't want to spend my entire life in your arms

but we both know i do

sometimes i wish you'd call me on it. not let go. let me know you'd want me to spend my life in your embrace. that you could save me, protect me, and love me wholly and without judgement.  That you would help me in this battle i face everyday, fight this thing in my head and be a soldier beside me. 

but i guess, the truth is, im a lot of effort. a life with me wouldn't be easy. 

and i love you far too much to drag you down with me.

i dream of you in colours in my mind

i wonder if you actually exist
the way i think you do
are you actually that guy i dream you to be
or do i just wish you into existence
are you are figment of my over creative imagination
or are you real.
i wonder if you ever existed in the first place
or do you only exist in my mind

you know im not sure if im in love with you
or the idea of you
and frankly, that would be the worst way to love you

and i wonder if you do love me
how you love me
do you love me, do you even know me
i guess i don't care if you only love the idea of me
ill be the best damn idea you've ever had

there are so many memories i wish i could go back to
so instead ill replay them in my head over and over again
you brought me out of my shell
you made me fun
made me laugh
i could spend all day with you
watching movies or playing soccer
at adventure world, the show or just watching the stars.
if i could relive every moment we've ever had i would.
except i would hold your hand on top of the megadrop,
id kiss you at midnight on new years eve.
id hold you and never let go
i don't ever want to let go

don't let me go

this is how i would write it

opening scene.

ill meet you at the cafe. somewhere along the beach, i'd get out of my car and you'd be waiting by the door. you'd be wearing black jeans with black shoes and a black shirt. well groomed with a 5 o'clock shadow because no one likes a clean shave.  your eyes would find mine even though we were still meters away. you'd smile. i'd shyly smile back and look down because your gaze was always too much.  as i approach you'd take you hands out of your pocket. give me a kiss on the cheek and we'd enjoy our trademark too long to be just friends hug. you'd hold me til i let go as i always let go first and you'd guide me to our seat pulling my chair out for me. I'd make some off the cuff comment about chivalry and you'd reply that i was worth it. we'd laugh an awkward laugh at the weight of our words and eye the menu while our hearts race in our chests and our thoughts swirl with all the words we'd left unsaid. I'd want to clear the table with one hand and grab you with the other but instead i just look at you, discretely from over the menu and admire you, your eyes, your shoulders, just you. You'd catch me looking and smile as i blush and turn my eyes back to the menu, while blurting out my selection to serve as a distraction to that moment.  You'd smile, because you knew.  We'd lay the menu's down and talk about trivial things because the truth was always to hard for us but somehow you'd still captivate me, even if its just about the weather, your words would kiss my ears and no one else would exist.  we'd laugh our way through breakfast with conversations that don't seem like much but the underlying tone would be as clear as day.  Like a river in winter, so much would be going on under the surface, away from view. You'd pay the check, i'd fight you for it but i knew you felt like a gentleman waving me off, being the hero. You always liked to play the hero.  You'd suggest a walk along the beach because even tho breakfast was over you wouldn't want this day to end.  Nether do i.  We'd take our shoes off and let the sand engulf our feet while the air kisses our faces, we'd laugh louder now. happier. and the space between us would close. we'd sit down overlooking the beach and with all the beauty of nature around us, you would only see me.  I'd make some comment about how the waves kiss the land, and keep coming back for more and how the moon loved the sun so much it died every night to see her live. you'd hold my hand, and id withdraw. you'd feel embarrassed and i'd ask you for the truth.  For an honest conversation. We'd throw away all the superficial nonsense and our trademark small talk with hidden meanings and we'd be honest. for once. for however brief a moment it was. i'd ask you what i mean to you, and if you ever loved me. I'd tell you its only ever been you.  Id tell you about my dark days and why I've done the things i did. why i was so scared to love you wholly. You'd laugh, and hold me closer and tell me that we've wasted so much time, but had so much time left to make up for it. I'd shy away and divert my eyes to the sand as butterflies took flight in my stomach. You raise your hand, it would lightly touch my jaw and pull my face back up til my eyes met yours, you'd whisper you loved me, and no matter how hard you tried you could never stop loving me. and before i could say a word, your eyes would look at my lips, and you'd slowly lean in closer, you'd take your time and wouldn't rush this moment despite the fact we'd been waiting half our lives for it.  Like a giant drum roll into the most long overdue moment in history. Id meet your lean as your hand moved to the nape of my neck. our thoughts would race as the gap between our lips closes, id whisper i love you and your lips would touch mine. my hands would grab your neck and my fingers curl through your hair. and we'd have our first kiss. the most perfect first kiss of our lives.
and it would be our last first kiss.

end scene.

a love so fierce it defies all logic

i have more issues then i could possible count.

and on my worst days, i'll go from happy to sad in seconds.

i won't always like myself,

and sometimes i'll even assume that you don't like me either.

i'll push you away,

and drive you insane.

but i promise you this,

nobody could ever even think about loving you,

as much as i do.

and staying away from you,

thats me saving you,

from me.

i fucking love you.

i wonder how many more years this blog will live
3? 5? 10? 20 years?
almost 300 posts. over 4 years so far? or is it 5?

im not sure if this makes me passionate or insane
in love or obsessed.

probably both
but definitely not neither

some times i wish i could give you this blog URL so you could read what you mean to me and regardless if it makes me crazy i think id rather you know that i fucking love you.

i love you.

i wish i could scream in from the roof tops
write it across the sky

i would throw myself off a building with a note in my pocket just to get your attention
so you finally know
that even tho I'm losing hope
and i know it will never happen
i'd never want to leave this world without you knowing
that i loved you wholly
and i loved you truly
and i loved you more than any love story could ever explain
more extraordinarily and insanely madding than one person has ever loved another

and i need you to know that
even if it doesn't mean a thing

i love you.

we know
so perfectly
how to give birth
to the monsters
inside us
but for reasons I
will never figure out
we have not the slightest clue
of what to do
with all the
love

Give it to God, and go to sleep

one day, whether you are
14,
28
or 65

you will stumble upon
someone who will start
a fire in you that cannot die.

however, the saddest,
most awful truth you will
ever come to find---

is they are not always with whom we spend our lives