this isn't high school

and the worst part is, i am not even shocked at your behaviour. its incredibly typical and you'll regret it one day. today might not be that day but this idea in our heads that it will all work out is a fantasy, and when it doesn't, i hope these moments are what haunt you the most.

i am constantly surprised by the longing for you that never quiets.

i keep hoping that one day i will wake up
and not miss you anymore
that my dreams won't revolve around you and that your name wouldn't be the first thing on my mind each morning
but i guess the point is
it really doesn't matter how much you try to protect yourself your going to get hurt anyway
i tried to protect myself from you
only to find out regret hurts more than failure ever could
you were always going to tear my heart out from the moment you said hello
instead I'm hurting over a missed opportunity instead of a mismatched love
forever dreaming of what its like to have our lips on mine
instead of having memories to suffocate in,
I'm drowning in the what if's.

my personality changes with every season. This season must be for missing you.

and you stood there, in front of me, casting shadows like statues.
and i looked into your eyes and could see that you knew this was serious
my voice would falter so i eyed the floor
i always lose my nerve when i get lost in your eyes
i told you things can't continue like this anymore
this cycle was killing me
i ended my thoughts
and the silence crushed me
finally you took a step forward
your soft hands lifted my face til my eyes met yours
i could feel your breath on my face
the warmth radiating off your body
my heart thumbed a million times in that split second
your eyes looked deep into mine
you sighed
i melted at the sound
you told me you couldn't let me go,
but loving me wasn't an option either
as my heart got stuck in my throat
and i suffocated in the palm of your hand

Limerence

Maybe if i had never met you, his love would have been enough for me
but how can you be content with a puddle,
when you've seen the ocean
how can you be content with the landscape
when you've seen the world
how could you ever be content on the ground
when you've experienced flight.

wonderwall.

i spent last week wishing you were here.

wishing you were with me.

seeing the things i saw, exploring the world

together

but i turned and it wasn't your face i saw

thats the most realest thing I've ever known

that was how i know i love you

to turn and be so bitterly disappointed that it was another thing i was doing in this world without you

and i should be doing it with you

the greatest tragedy in life is not losing what you've loved.

its spending your life loving someone else.

knowing that time is limited and oh so wasted.

my whole life I've known, you don't date your best friend.

you marry them, or risk losing your best friend.

and if you have to invite your best friend to you wedding you're marrying the wrong man.

i don't want to invite you to my wedding

to see you stand in the crowd

to feel your eyes burning holes in my skin

while i profess my mediocre love to my safe soon-to-be husband.

there are so many things you read about love that contradicts each other. some say love is understanding, safety, acceptance. others say love should challenge you but calm you, push you but never hurt you. many of us spend our lives just trying to figure out the right answer to this question.

and maybe thats it.

maybe there is no right answer.

we each have to find our own.

to me, love is you.

you're imperfect and fickle.

you challenge my thinking and push me to try new things.

we disagree, a lot, but it never gets in the way.

the physical chemistry is palpable

but most importantly

there is a part of me,

deep down

way down

who knows its you.

you're not safe, you can't give me the world

but we wouldn't need it

we'd have each other.

i dismantle things i love because I'm so terrified of ends.

at the end of the day its simple. Its as simple as 1 + 1 but I'm always coming up with 100.

when you look externally for an answer to the simple questions you find yourself fighting with the universe to come up with the answer you want.

I've looked and looked and everything tells me to run

to run from you as far and as fast as humanly possible.

but instead i look deeper, i make excuses and i lie to myself.

because i don't like when the universe tell me that i'm not the one for you

and its screaming at me

from the top of the mountains 

from the depths of the sea

around every corner

its telling me to move on

get over it

leave

but i can't

and i don't know if i want to

you captivate me in a way most people only dream about

in a way i never want to forget

id be lying if i said I'm grateful i met you.

i liked the empty parts of me more when i didn't know they were there.

i don't know about destiny but i do believe there are some things in this universe that just fit

rivers and rainforests 

skies and stars

feathers and flight

everyone one of them less complete without the other

maybe we weren't meant to happen

but i know I'm better for it

i never expected it to be you

but its all you

and now there is no looking back.