that pause

that hesitation

right before the first taste

you took a breath and lingered 

the build up to a moment 

a moment we've been waiting years for

time stopped

the world stopped

the shadows on your face

the heat on your body

the sound of you drawing breath

the sweet scent of madness and misery

my heart beat in my ears

my fingers tracing lines

as we wait

taking in the moment for all its beauty and horror, its fantasy and fiction. 

ill live in that moment for the rest of my life.

we only got one moment

and never again another

so i close my eyes and the moment dances from my eyelids, and lands on my lips

the taste of you at war with the taste of my betrayal

i would have torn down the entire world for you

goodbye

You thanked me for the years of friendship

The good times, the bad

It felt like the end of an era

and that's because it was

You apologised for the pursuit 

For trying to make something out of nothing

You bought me a drink

And we cheers to the years

And then you told me about you're new flame

But when you walked away I followed

You gave me honesty and I owed you mine

I told you I had been in love with you 

I told you I probably loved you more than anyone ever

You asked me why I didn't make it work

Its because you couldn't handle me

I told you that you deserved happiness and apologised for the past

Im still coming to terms with the fact that you and I will never be together 

I hugged you're mother

And told her im sorry

This is not the fairytale we hoped for

But it wasn't until I walked away did I realise this was goodbye.

Goodbye to my childhood love

Goodbye to my best friend

Because I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that I will never see you or speak to you ever again

Goodbye to you 

you..again

I dreampt of you again last night

Its been a while since I've done that.

It wasn't even my romanised version of you. It was you in your lying manipulative glory and I didnt even care

I still loved you

And loved hearing you tell me all the things you think I'd want to hear

I knew your words were bullshit but it was nice to pretend they weren't and entertain the idea just for a second. That manipulative effort was still more effort than hes given me lately

Why is it when things are bad my heart runs back to you

I love you

I fucking do

There I fucking said it 

Part of me always will

And I'll spend the rest of my life trying to get over the fact that you and I dont end up together

Im sorry for not choosing you

Im sorry for not choosing you 10 years ago

Im sorry

you're too drunk to stand and you not knowing if you can love him forever

terrible things

So don't fall in love there's just too much to lose,

If given the choice then I beg you to choose

To walk away walk away dont let it get you

I cant bare to see the same happen to you

enough

I've been your victim, 

enslaved by your manipulation.

Controlled by your calculated actions

Your empty promises

Your meaningless words

I've served you loyally for 5 years

In love with my captor

But I've opened my eyes

The days renewed

I hold the power now

Now you serve me.

one step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you

Darling dont be afraid, I have loved you

For a thousand years

I'll love you for a thousand more.

you.

What happened to him

The boy i used to know

A breath of warm air on cold lungs

Who laughing sunshine and hope

Was full of mystery and desire

The boy who dared to dream and fly on the wings of roses

Lived by the breath of the ocean and fed on the suns rays

Who'd flower and be so obviously beautiful that id question why no one else could see it

Did you even exist?

Or was the reason you were only visible to me because I had imagined the whole thing

So desperately obvious for a way out and into the new that I fabricated the very essence of your existence 

You felt real

Smelt real

Tasted real

But it wouldn't be the first time I've fallen in love with the idea of who I felt you could be only to be tidalwaved by who you are and who you never could be.

Maybe im too disconnected with reality 

Maybe I expect too much

Is it too much to want to be loved whole

To be desired, supported and appreciated 

If thats too much then maybe I dont want it

I wasn't born, lived and survived all this to be met with something less

Or maybe this is all I deserve

Destined to be nothing more than nothing

Deserve something less than everything

I'd rather have nothing than feel like this

I'd rather have nothing than feel like nothing