human kaleidoscope

the cold wind blows

but the suns somehow warm

my head says be in it

but my heart is all torn

the hesitation in your voice

the sweet smell of your words

the bitterness of your actions

your lies like mockingbirds

id tell you that i love you

but i swore to you that im no liar

this chill has settled in my bones

its been years since we had fire

the awkward walk back to the car

you asked if there was hope

i tried not to lie and still make it pretty

i'll be your human kaleidoscope

 

 could it be that i was wrong about you from the start?

or did i just know your ending?

i used to think you were better in my head, better in the abstract but you give me moments that prove that wrong

the person i think you are in the person you actually are

beneath all the bullshit, the person you pretend to be

but i see you

i always have

even when you cant see yourself

i wish we could go back to a time where we could have gotten it right

figured it out

and got out of our own damn way

its hard not to feel like thats gone now

id take our chance in an instant but doing so means you have some big dreams to give up

and we both know i am not worth that

and i dont want you to sacrifice that for me

i love you enough to know that you will be happier with someone else

even if we both know that she could never love you like i could.

 

 

catharsis

sometimes i wish i could go back in time to the places we missed the most. our timing was always impeccable and the tension always palpable. we could sit and wait and laugh and love. but do it right this time.

but honestly, one of the best moments weve ever had are these ones. today.

i waited years for the taste of your lips but even longer for your honesty.

after 19 years. 19 years.

i got my first taste

and it was as enriching and loving and cathartic of an experience as i will ever have. 

and even though it doesnt mean i thing, i will catalog that one as one of the best.

to love is to destroy

im getting vague flashbacks of that night

you said pool room and that was my first glimpse

but the more i think about it the more pieces that come back

your hair in my fingers

the feel of your lower lip between my teeth

your wandering hands

my wandering thoughts

hot and passionate was how you described it

i like those words on your lips when describing me

but flip the coin and youre gone

i ruined it

because thats just what i do

i took the delicacy of that moment and i crush it in my vulnerabilities, 

after all, you cant hurt me if i hurt you first 

you deserve so much better than me

but i loved you so much for and so long and it brought out the worst in me

 

the dark room

the deafening silence

the beat of my heart

the swirl of surrealism

the sound of your laugh

the sense of calm

the years of build up

the feel of your skin

the taste of your lips

the softness of your touch

the heat from your body

the intensity in your eyes

the moment we waited for

all of our lives

and you paused and clearly, definitively, you outlined the two moments in time

the before and the after

what I've done

If I keep doing what I've always done

Im going to keep getting what I've always got.

Einstein once said, insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result 

If I want a different result, if I want to break free im going to need to do something new.

Openness, transparency, honesty

So I told him everything

I told him how I loved you

How I dreamt of you

How we used to be

And I realised I love him

Not you

I could have chosen you

But I didnt

I picked him

He was my first pick then

And he will be my first pick forever

I dont need to romantise him

Imagine him

He is real and tangible 

He is messy and broken 

He is damaged and imperfect 

And exactly what I want

Coz the truth is, you could never be him, 

And I will never want anything but him

So take your promises, your games, your bullshit memories and remember you could never live up to him

You could never be enough for me

haunted

 you

again

why does to always come back to you

i wish i could delete you 

every memory of you

the look in your eyes when you look at me

the smell of your scent enveloping me

the taste of your skin between my teeth

they linger in my mind and burn themself on my soul

will i ever be free

will i ever be able to forget these things

ive cataloged these moments in the corners of my mind and i want nothing more than to set them on fire, to remove the poison from my mind, but i cant. i want to, but i cant. and all im let with is the undeniable helplessness of being haunted by the memories that once brought me company.  Ive always live in these moments but i want a life that transcends this. i cant live and die in the maybes, the what ifs, the moments that will never happened. im so sad that we are through but i still fucking love you. And thats okay. but the person i love isnt the person you are. you are mean, selfish, hurtful, angry, resentful, scared. and i dont blame you for being ALL of those things. But its not my problem to fix them. i cant save you. you wont let me. i dont want you. but as much as i come to terms with the fact that you could NEVER be him, the person you used to be, i still cant let you go.

you symbolise something that im missing.

desire.

passion.

understanding.

safety.

love.

vicious love.

i dont know why my soul keeps coming back to you. 

to this. 

to us.  

and i will hit my head against a wall if it meant i could beat these memories out, these thought processes. but i cant help but feel they are there for a reason. a reminder. something. these memories come at times to remind me of something. but what? that im on the wrong path? that im on the right path? i dont even care anymore. my heart is a heavy burden. along with these memories.

they haunt me. and i will forever be haunted by a person who died a long time ago.