THE EMPTY ROOM

this empty room
empty apart from me but I'm so empty I'm not even sure i count anymore
the hollowness and taping keys
the voices in my head telling me to leave
this isn't where i thought id be

the air-conditioner whirls
its cold but I'm so cold inside i barely notice
the gentle and purring breeze
this happiness that i can't seize
i don't know where to find the key

the darkened room
its dark somehow even though the sun outside shining
but this stale air is thick and dire
id pretend to be happy but I'm no liar
i don't know why theres no light to see

the time ticks on
time moves forward but somehow I'm stuck right here
to this frozen moment i am a slave
every day praying I'm closer to the grave
i think we know how this ends for me

do i dare?

do i dare come back here?

back to the place where you live

back to the corners of my mind where i swept all the dust and decay that spells your name

do i dare come back to this reality where i romanticise you and everything you aren't and everything you could never be

but maybe thats just it

somewhere along the lines you went from man to myth 

you changed from a boy i once maybe thought i wanted, to this idea of the man I'm looking for

maybe it isn't that you actually exist as you but as someone I'm looking for

and when i get lost i circle back and come back here

hoping to find you in someone one day

hoping you're out there looking for me too

i thought my long cold days of searching through the thick dense forests looking for you were over

i settled

and i did what i do best, i saw something in him that wasn't there or real or tangible

i tried to make him you in some kind of ill-thought-out quest to fast track and skip to the end where you and i find each other

and maybe we never find each other

maybe that is our truth

not all people have happy endings

atleast not in this life, maybe in the next, or the new

or maybe this mind is too fucked up and belligerent and its already run from you

again

in some kind of fate meets dumb ass mental illness girl who self sabotages more than she takes breath

but never the less, here i am

looking for you

still

and maybe you don't exsist 

and maybe you do and have been and gone

and maybe this is the most potent and destructive thing to ever leave my brain 

but here i am

waiting for you

searching to you

some how missing and not knowing you

equally

like some walking paradox of contradictions and confusions

thrashing against the cage of my existential crisis

somehow cathartic and suffocating at this same time

in all these thoughts and made up memories of a boy i once knew

or never knew

hopelessly, helplessly, listlessly longing for you

or a you that i might one day find

there is this voice inside my head

its words echo and bounce of the corners of my mind

the darkness spreads in lulls 

it climbs slow but moves fast

theres this nothingness about my solitude 

surrounded by this screaming noise

in the middle of nowhere

the quite remains chaotic

the still is anything but calm

and no one can see the deafening noise inside of me

the persists, and provokes and its paralysing 

keeping me here but making me run

but no matter how far i run

how fast the distance is covered 

i can not out run the nagging nothingness that is somehow everything

do you ever wake up and wonder what the silence actually sounds like?

the silence in the minds of others

is it really nothingness

a quite somber high pitched faded ringing

the sound of the world

the wind

the rain

the sunshine

I cant keep making excuses to convince myself that youre actually a decent person.

Remember this feeling.
Remember it well.
You in crisis
Him sitting making small talk over broken bread
Remember it
Remember how it felt
Remember you deserve better.

Oh so much fucking better.

be careful what you wish for

and here i am, sitting on the edge of this chair, cold air chilling my lungs and making me feel completely hopeless. they wanted to bury me and i fear that they have. trapped. cold alone. i wanted to move on from this with the changing of the seasons but the only thing thats changing in me in my ability to fight. the truth is, I'm a strong as an ant and right now i feel just a small. almost irrelevant as the pictures in my mind torment me to the brink of sanity and reason because i see no reason for me to take another breath and i sit breathlessly in front you without even the slightest amount of hope.
hopeless.
the way i was born.
the way i have lived
and the way i will invariably die
my biggest obstacle has always been the voices in my head but instead they have now become you
and us
and them
me against the world
do i really know any other way. in the epitome of a fruitless effort i have tried fruitlessly to change the game this time around, but i have soured and gone rotten on the tree now only waiting for fall lifelessly to earth and become the dust you walk on. and you will walk through this earth better off for knowing me, but better off without me. just like the rest of them. i keep trying to find reason to fight but my reasons aren't reasons they're excuses and in the end i know what needs to happen and i know what needs to be done. and the time is coming for action. the time is coming now. they say sticks and stones may break your bones but words can end a life. so watch your words and your actions too, then watch mine... and carry that one your conscious forever. knowing that i tried and knowing that you drowned me in all that you think you are with your arrogance and narcissistic self important because at the end of the day you wanted this, you wanted me dead and now i am.

 and i wholeheartedly blame you.

you were supposed to love him, but you hated me more.

be careful what you wish for.

false hope

and im scared
and its even scarier to think that your the reason i am scared.
im scared because hes not you
and he never will be
im scared that ill always be waiting for you
for us
for an us thats never been
and never will be

that one day ill wake up and youll be my first thought and my last breath
and ive condemned myself to a life without you or us or this
but thats not my future
its not my reality
and its not fair to be stuck in limbo
holding, wishing, sitting, waiting, hoping
for something that never was
never is
and never could be
but here i am
sitting
wishing
waiting
believing in a fairytale thats is inconceivable
unachievable

false.

so this is where we are right now, i ask a question and you get angry
i feel like thats your default setting at this point.
and i just have to sit here holding my thoughts and feelings in so you don't get mad
who knew id end up being the one who would have to tip toe around you.
but we both know you'll be the one to rip my heart out.