what I've done

If I keep doing what I've always done

Im going to keep getting what I've always got.

Einstein once said, insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result 

If I want a different result, if I want to break free im going to need to do something new.

Openness, transparency, honesty

So I told him everything

I told him how I loved you

How I dreamt of you

How we used to be

And I realised I love him

Not you

I could have chosen you

But I didnt

I picked him

He was my first pick then

And he will be my first pick forever

I dont need to romantise him

Imagine him

He is real and tangible 

He is messy and broken 

He is damaged and imperfect 

And exactly what I want

Coz the truth is, you could never be him, 

And I will never want anything but him

So take your promises, your games, your bullshit memories and remember you could never live up to him

You could never be enough for me

haunted

 you

again

why does to always come back to you

i wish i could delete you 

every memory of you

the look in your eyes when you look at me

the smell of your scent enveloping me

the taste of your skin between my teeth

they linger in my mind and burn themself on my soul

will i ever be free

will i ever be able to forget these things

ive cataloged these moments in the corners of my mind and i want nothing more than to set them on fire, to remove the poison from my mind, but i cant. i want to, but i cant. and all im let with is the undeniable helplessness of being haunted by the memories that once brought me company.  Ive always live in these moments but i want a life that transcends this. i cant live and die in the maybes, the what ifs, the moments that will never happened. im so sad that we are through but i still fucking love you. And thats okay. but the person i love isnt the person you are. you are mean, selfish, hurtful, angry, resentful, scared. and i dont blame you for being ALL of those things. But its not my problem to fix them. i cant save you. you wont let me. i dont want you. but as much as i come to terms with the fact that you could NEVER be him, the person you used to be, i still cant let you go.

you symbolise something that im missing.

desire.

passion.

understanding.

safety.

love.

vicious love.

i dont know why my soul keeps coming back to you. 

to this. 

to us.  

and i will hit my head against a wall if it meant i could beat these memories out, these thought processes. but i cant help but feel they are there for a reason. a reminder. something. these memories come at times to remind me of something. but what? that im on the wrong path? that im on the right path? i dont even care anymore. my heart is a heavy burden. along with these memories.

they haunt me. and i will forever be haunted by a person who died a long time ago.

that pause

that hesitation

right before the first taste

you took a breath and lingered 

the build up to a moment 

a moment we've been waiting years for

time stopped

the world stopped

the shadows on your face

the heat on your body

the sound of you drawing breath

the sweet scent of madness and misery

my heart beat in my ears

my fingers tracing lines

as we wait

taking in the moment for all its beauty and horror, its fantasy and fiction. 

ill live in that moment for the rest of my life.

we only got one moment

and never again another

so i close my eyes and the moment dances from my eyelids, and lands on my lips

the taste of you at war with the taste of my betrayal

i would have torn down the entire world for you

goodbye

You thanked me for the years of friendship

The good times, the bad

It felt like the end of an era

and that's because it was

You apologised for the pursuit 

For trying to make something out of nothing

You bought me a drink

And we cheers to the years

And then you told me about you're new flame

But when you walked away I followed

You gave me honesty and I owed you mine

I told you I had been in love with you 

I told you I probably loved you more than anyone ever

You asked me why I didn't make it work

Its because you couldn't handle me

I told you that you deserved happiness and apologised for the past

Im still coming to terms with the fact that you and I will never be together 

I hugged you're mother

And told her im sorry

This is not the fairytale we hoped for

But it wasn't until I walked away did I realise this was goodbye.

Goodbye to my childhood love

Goodbye to my best friend

Because I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that I will never see you or speak to you ever again

Goodbye to you 

you..again

I dreampt of you again last night

Its been a while since I've done that.

It wasn't even my romanised version of you. It was you in your lying manipulative glory and I didnt even care

I still loved you

And loved hearing you tell me all the things you think I'd want to hear

I knew your words were bullshit but it was nice to pretend they weren't and entertain the idea just for a second. That manipulative effort was still more effort than hes given me lately

Why is it when things are bad my heart runs back to you

I love you

I fucking do

There I fucking said it 

Part of me always will

And I'll spend the rest of my life trying to get over the fact that you and I dont end up together

Im sorry for not choosing you

Im sorry for not choosing you 10 years ago

Im sorry

you're too drunk to stand and you not knowing if you can love him forever

terrible things

So don't fall in love there's just too much to lose,

If given the choice then I beg you to choose

To walk away walk away dont let it get you

I cant bare to see the same happen to you