2.

 and for once the darkness was comforting

i used to be scared of the dark, the stillness, the silence

scared of the monsters who hide in the fringes 

 the silence in my mind coupled with the sound of my bleeding heart

the darkness always signified be act of being alone

abandoned

unloved

you were my light in the darkness

extinguished  

the sound of dying rain 

but ive learnt to dive into the darkness

the peace

learning to live in my own thoughts and sometimes dying by them

the darkness used to be a reminder of the empty space you left

but now it was the place you last existed 

the darkness reminds me that you were real

 

maybe all of it was. 

 

1.

 the sound of my bag is loud as i place it on the floor

the chair legs scream as i drag it out from under the table

 if you would only look at me, you would see how tired i am

but life isn't about me

it never has been

 forever the footnote of someone else's story

fading into the background

a half written story

an unspectacular character

i sit on the chair, its cold and you dont even look at me before handing me another box of stress

i work so hard for things you take for granted 

so hard to make things happen

somehow you havent figure out that everything we have isnt just by chance or from luck

my ears ring loudly

 my skin is hot underneath the anger that burns like the pressure of a tidal wave on my lifeless soul

im struggling to breath and you cant see it

im fighting for breath and you dont hear it

just silence

silence and the sound of my soul dying.

the sound you sing to

the soundtrack of our lives

you dance to the eb and flow if this soundtrack of horror

breathing in and floating on every note

the beauty of it, the melody captivates you

the sound you wish would never end

its your favorite song

the peace, the panic

the sound of my slowly dying

 

 

the door is open, just have to walk through it

i can see your effort, and im trying too. but your effort is the ying to my yang and we cant seem to get it right. its hard to think its not my fault. when you step forward, i step back.

why am i so afraid of being vulnerable? why am i so afraid of getting it right? of having things work out? of maybe being happy.

why am i so addicted to sabotaging everything?
to self loathing?
to rejecting happiness?

maybe i don't deserve it, maybe i don't think i do. maybe its because every time I've let you in you've destroyed me
tidal waved me
discarded me like a flower you picked and no longer have use for
the moment you picked me, i started to die
withering in your hands like melted butter

sometimes i feel like im not the only one too afraid to make this work, to be happy

youre addicted to the self hate as much as i am, like a needle in our veins enveloping us and we destroy each other

sometimes i wonder what my life would be without you

would it be better?

or just a different train wreck with someone who could never understand me as much as you do. with someone who couldn't love the monster ive become. the monster i always have been.

im sick and i know its not my fault, but its hard not to think it is. that im weak. that what broke me would be shrugged off by anyone else. by everyone else.

but it broke me.

and im shattered pieces of glass, thrown violently, covering the floor.
surrounded by people that who would cut themselves on all that i am

and everything i could never be.

 

reminder

When I was younger I had this feeling

that there was this handbook that I had never gotten 

that explained how to be, 

how to laugh, 

what to wear, 

how to stand by yourself in the hallway. 

Everyone else looked so natural, 

like they’d all practiced together and knew exactly what to do, 

even just the way that they pushed the hair out of their face. 

My experience was pretty much the opposite.

I was conscious of how I sat,

how I smiled,

and when I was alone with another person

I had no idea what to do or what to say.

I could just feel myself panic, it sucked.

I’d imagine what people were like when I wasnt around.

How they’d compare notes on how I didn’t quite fit.

Or even worse, they just wouldn’t notice.

So, I tried to pick up the patterns.

I wore what they wore and said what they said,

I even wrote ‘smile more!’ on a sticky note.

And over time it sort of worked,

in a way, I made a version of me that ‘fit in’,

whatever that means.

But as I grew older the patterns kept changing,

and it took so much effort to keep learning them.

And I was still stuck with the problem that I had started with,

being terrified of the moment when my tricks stopped working.

I think it took me too long to learn something.

That even though there is a thing called ‘fitting in’,

that it’s something that you can learn and practice,

those pages are so thin compared to who you are.

That the way to become ‘natural’, like I wanted to be so badly, is by forgetting what you’re trying to be to other people.

And, if there is a handbook,

you probably get to write it yourself.

urge surfing

Merry Christmas.

I'm really sorry how crazy I've been over the years. I've finally got a diagnosis after 12 months in and out of mental health hospitals after my 8th and most serious suicide attempt.

I have borderline personality disorder, rejection sensitivity disorder and complex post traumatic stress disorder and I realise that you've been the center of my limerance for the last 18 years. Which has been a really unhealthy and toxic endeavour for me and when you mix that with whatever it is that you have going on I guess it's a combination that triggers me. and it's almost a total lack of free will that makes me react that way, my brain physiologically couldn't process any perceived rejection from you. This is not you're fault, but entirely my issue. Unfortunately with BPD it is medication resistant so all I can do is ongoing therapy, and while I cannot control my condition, I can control my behaviour and that's something I've really been working on. 

I don't know why I feel the need to tell you any of this, maybe I'm hoping it will break the limerance I have with you which is completely irrelevant, irrational and harmful to my well-being and every relationship I've ever had in my adult life. And I don't want that anymore. I not want to run away from all the good things in my life out of fears of being abandoned. Thank you for being my friend, however loosely that term can be used for us. You were always there in my darkest times, whether you knew it or not, as someone I could feel safe with. But I now understand that none of it was real and that I'm just a foot note in your story. And I truly am ashamed of the way I've treated you, it was just as confusing for me and it probably was for you. 

Anyway, I've taken enough of your time reading this, I don't want to steal anymore of it.

I hope you had a great Christmas, at your core you're a really good guy, and I hope you have a great 2025. 

limerance

Lost in the labyrinth of limerence, I dance amidst dreams spun from the tapestry of your existence.

Time waits for no man.

Neither does a good woman.

voices in my head

Sometimes I feel like I'm getting worse again. Worse and better at the same time. Worst in the sense I want to die. Maybe more than ever. But better in the way that I'm better at faking it. I'm better at pretending I don't want to die. Proving the DBT torture was effective. Fake a smile, be ok with the things you shouldn't, comply, don't make anyone else feel any type of way, smile more, be pleasant, give up all morals and values and conform, after all, your suffering is your fault.

The dark place where dreams go to die.

i have this hole in my heart i try to fill it with things and nothing seems to satistify it i throw peole in i liife into it pills alcohol my kids nothing seems to fill it. i used it think it didnt get full because it was wrong for me or because it wasnt enough. i used to believe you were the only thing that could fill it. only you. but im beggining to realise that its not a hole in my heart but a bottomless pit and i throw the things i love most into it. and for a while they hang onto the edges, making me feel...something. but they lose grip eventually and they fall another victim of the darkness inside of me you could never fill that hole no one can nothing can only i can or at the very least, i need to learn to live with it. stop using it as a burial ground for the things i love the most.

the unconscious mind

I go bed most nights

Reliving the moments we've had 

You're the last thought before I sleep

Hoping I dream a new moment with you

Something fresh and new that I can hold on to

But when I do dream of us

I dream of the reality of you

Reliving the heartbreak and rejection

The moments I want to forget

The things I never said

the things that have happened to me will never have not happened.

The choice I've made can't be undone

Taken back

Fixed

All I have now is hope

And hope is a dangerous thing

Hope is going to kill me

cravings.

How the actual fuck. 

How am I still here?

Why am I still here?

You haunt me

You always have

You always will

I thought if we had our time then I could let you go

Why can't I let you go

I thought if we had our time than that would be enough.

But I want more.

I'm addicted 

But I'm sober

Always in recovery 

Always wanting more

Never being able to get it

I'll always crave you

i know, you know, we know, we werent meant for each other and its fine.

 so now youre just waiting.

waiting on the impossible to happen.

waiting for them to change.

waiting for them to notice 

the love youre giving them

it hurts like hell when you know

that you have to let go of

the person you spent so long trying to love

but maybe thats the point.

love should be easy, and kind.

empathetic and loyal.

it doesnt need to be forced

or strained

 

because love is the easiest and best thing we do.

 

and if its not easy, then its not for you.

 

and thats ok.

fucking here again

 can you believe it

we are fucking here again

heartbroken

gaslit

broken

by a person who never deserved me anyway but spent everyday reminding me that i was the lucky one

broken

again

and wishing i was fucking dead.

it will never get easier and i will never learn

i kill myself for these people that dont even deserve a foot note.

i kill myself for these people who just dont give a fuck

im not sure what ive done to deserve this

and i dont know what to do

so i just sit here

broken

wishing i was dead.

If you could go back in time with all the information you have today, would you?

would you go back in time, and tell him you loved him

hold out for the right moment instead for running towards the next one

would you put your head on his shoulder in the middle of the movie, lift the arm rest and cuddle into his arms

would you stop fiddling with your keys at the edge of your open car door and step towards him and kiss him

would you hold his hand at the top of the megadrop and swear you'll never let go

would you tell him all the reasons you love him as you lay under the stars on new years eve

look into his eyes while fireworks exploded in the night sky

would you go back, and get it right

or would you just find new ways to fuck up your life? 

we were a perfect fit. we were. but timing is a hell of a thing

and our egos are another

too scared to start

too proud to make moves

too set in our ways to compromise

and too damn stupid to get out of our own ways

you wanted a ride or die

well its been 21 years. no one is more ride or die than me

but im grateful i never got what i wanted

because i was too stupid to realise that i deserve better

 i just said goodbye to a guy im gonna think about forever

 

 

 

 

 

I wonder who's arms I would run and fall into if I was drunk in a room full of everyone I've ever loved.

Its an interesting question. And I really don't know how to answer it.

I know who's arms I'd run to if I wanted to feel desired.

Whos arms Id run to if I wanted one last hug.

Whos arms id run to because I missed them.

But the arms in which I feel safe? Protected? Happy? 

The arms that could hold together all the broken pieces of my soul.

To hold me in

And the saddest answer of all is that I'm not sure id run to any of them.

If I could, they wouldn't be my past, they'd be my present. And maybe he's still out there. Maybe he's my future.

I wish we could go back to a time before it was too late

I still feel your fingers tracing my jaw as you looked at my face in awe

The stars slowly started revealing themselves in the night sky, they stretch infinitely across space, out numbered by all the almost maybes between you and I.

The fireworks coloured the world and while all eyes were looking up you were looking at me

Why is it that I always felt like the only women in existence when your eyes are on me from any distance

I can still see the look on your face when you asked my new flame if the girl he was seeing in secret was important

I was sitting right in front of you knowing that you knew because I was your drunken informant 

I could hear it in your voice that me moving on would never have been your choice but falling in love with me wasn't an option either 

And he wasn't ready to keep her

But disillusioned about what purpose he served, I knelt down praying at his steeple

And maybe now you can appreciate why storms are named after people.

were just kids, we know nothing

You offer a place to lay my wounded heart as I sit here on the edge of impossible and improbable, navigating the messaged as mixed as my lovesick thoughts. My story digested into bitesize pieces with the hope they don't get lodged in your throat as you cough out enough half though out sentences to give me enough of a hit to string me along to my isolated desolate burial ground. We've been here before, cold and warm at the same time, floating in a body of water and dying of thirst. The voice in my head swirl and thrash and spiral until I dont know which way is North. You've become my north star out east and im turned about and spining further and further out of control. My thoughts punish me for even contemplating for a second that this could be enough and its a toll ill pay in advanced. Your words, delicate like a feather in the wind, calculated and controlled like a highschool massacre, they could never kill me as much as the voices in my head which envelope me and water my soul down until there isn't much more to me then this thoughts I cant control and words I choke on. Is there more to me than this warfare in my mind. Is there more to me than the voices. Do I even exist outside of your stories.

Your thoughts are not who you are.

sobering up

The fog is clearing

Im sobering up

Being further from you allows me to breathe the fresh air

Clarity

Somehow you still captivate me

Move me

Change me

But it's an illusion 

A trick

An act

A fleeting thought I run to when I want to escape all that I am

A distraction

Not real.