one day ill call you

the phone would ring and you'd see my name pop up and contemplate if you actually want to answer the phone.

maybe you will maybe you won't

you probably won't.

but if you do id tell you that I'm getting married

and id ask you if you were okay with it

and you'd lie

and id pretend not to notice

and the things left unsaid between us will be nothing more than a bad idea

and id pretend that this is what i wanted the whole time

id cut the conversation short

and you'd hear the dial tone

and realise why it was so important to me to tell you before anyone else knew

i wouldn't want you to be blind sighted

but in that moment you'd know

that I've loved you all along

and ill love you forever

but i won't wait forever

the ending of our story

and he looked at me, the same way he looked at me a million times before, like i was the only girl that existed in his world.  It was captivating and made me feel more whole than i have ever felt before.  But this look wasn't exactly like the others that preceded it.  He lingered.  His eyes spoke a sadness that i have never seen previously as they only ever spoke of hope and desire. He stepped closer, and i looked down as i felt his closeness.  He was a maddening man, one i could never figure out.  His reasoning and his desire always fought and battled just below the surface, nether of us would know which one would win.  His eyes were always too much for me as my heart skipped beat and time moved in hyper speed.  As he approached me, he sighed.
"It wasn't supposed to end like this", his words kissed my ears and echoed in my mind.
"How was it supposed to end?" I wasn't sure i wanted to know the answer.
"It was supposed to be us, you and me."
"I know" the words barely audible as they escaped my mouth. "But i couldn't wait for you forever"
His hand touched my face and he pulled my eyes towards him. Time felt like it stood still when he looked at me that way. I leaned, and he reciprocated, and just before our lips met, he paused. He spoke.
"You know I've always loved you"
I took a moment to commit those words to memory, to burn them in my head so i could never forget they way they sounded.
"Ive waited 12 years to hear you admit that" i whispered.
His lips grazed mine and suddenly my left hand felt heavy, the diamond ring glistened as it screamed at me and weighted me down, i stepped back. I looked down at it and remembered the promise i had made. I wish this ring was from him, but it wasn't.  i realised if he wanted to marry me, then i would be marrying him tomorrow, not someone else.  He sighed again and our hearts sunk.  He put his hand up to my cheek and brushed my skin ever so lightly.
He looked at me again, and i realised the sadness in his eyes was the realisation that this was the last time he'd be looking into my eyes.
we stayed in the moment for what felt like a lifetime, and words could never explain how much i wish that moment could last forever. He looked down to my feet and back up to my eye line taking a mental picture.
And he walked away.
and i let him.

And that was the last time i ever saw him.

i felt so much that i started to feel nothing

the warm yellow light holds constant in my kitchen, the buzzing of the fridge is madness. I sit in my chair, off centre and somehow thats a good representation of how i live my life. My keyboard keys taping to this post and the sound of the fridge. Its quiet. but somehow, so loud at the same time. Its cold, but i like the cold. I can hear my dog snoring, the taping of the keys and the fridge. Suddenly, its deafeningly silent. the yellow lights constant, its the only light i can see. My shirt feels heavy on my chest somehow keeping me in but crushing me to death. The air is stale, cold. Loud. My body casts shadows to the floor that make me somehow feel less alone. And i have a bad taste in my mouth. I feel so tiny in this big room, i have never felt so small and in my peripheral vision, all i see is you.

I know I have to be careful 

because there is something self destructive 

within me

only know you love her when you let her go.

i have the amazing ability to not appreciate a moment until it becomes a distant memory

and i should have looked at you
and your hand should have held my face
and i should have kissed you

but instead you ignore me, baffle me and fail to show me you care if i lived or took my last breath.
and you know you love someone when you don't hate them for breaking your heart.

you are a mystery filled to the brim with misery and a charming smile.
you are a heartache filled with so much heart and that look in your eyes.
your skin it touches mine, burns and leaves scars where it lasts.
your eye pierce mine leaving colours dull and lifeless compared to the blue in your eyes.
and i hate what you do to me
and i hate what you've done
you've ruined me
ruined me
me
ruined
for no love will ever swallow me like your love and no one else could ever take your place
and to be frank, i don't want them to because no one else could possibly compare to you
you and all that you are
and all that i never will be
you

i need to let this go

its not healthy

i can't continue this

but

tell me

how do you forget how to love

how do i forgot how to love you

Say something, I'm giving up on you.

now that I've found what I've been searching for

another night spent drowning in you
literally drowning
leading to this, another 5am blog post because the night lasts way too long, and i can't spent that much time with you without losing myself. i know i need to see you, to talk to you and tell you all the things I've never said but i always loose my nerve, i know ill never say them; so instead i write. for how ever long i have to, to get you out of my head, if only for a minute.
i guess if i saw you now, id tell you i love you. that I've loved you for more years than i can count.  for so long i can scarcely remember who i was before i loved you. But I've always run from you because I'm scared. Im scared for losing you, I'm scared of it ending badly, I'm scared that you would never be the guy i needed. But I'm also scared of you being him. The guy in my head, the exact guy i want. Im scared because you ruin me. In both love and hate. And i don't know what scares me most; I'm scared that i could lose you forever if this ended badly, and I'm scared that i could have you forever if it didn't. But the truth is, i am nothing but half thought out sentences sprawled incoherently on a book with no cover and torn pages. Im not good for you. or for anyone for that matter. Ill bring you down, ill fog things up and ill spin you about. And don't you already know that. I am the worst thing that could happen to your life. and i love you way to much to bring you down and i know that i can never be someone you love forever. I don't love myself, i can hardly expect you to.

but i wish you would, for only a second.

I ran from you because my ambitions and my love for you, although hardly comparable, they were hardly compatible. But my dreams came first and i chased them, however far they'd take me away from you.  But there i was, knocking on the door of my dreams, and all i could think about was you. You and nothing else, other then the overwhelming realisation that if i could do it all again, id choose you. in every single way.  I sacrificed you for my dreams, and it wasn't worth a second.  I guess our lives a defined by our opportunities, even the ones we miss.

But i can't let that go.

so here i am. way off my ambitions, falling deeper and deeper in love
every minute

there is a feeling that washes over me, right when we are together and right when we should make a move and act on the countless years of unrequited love. It washes over me like a tsunami destroying everything in its path leaving nothing but destruction in its wake whenever i feel you close and that look in your eyes, oh that look. Thats the land moving beneath our feet sending the body of water our way.  And thats our road block. That feeling that i will never be nothing more than an idea you didn't think through. That you only want to fulfil this idea and not see it in the long run. Thats our road block. Thats why it'll never happen. because the thought of losing you doesn't seem like something i would survive, id be as if a million guns were pointed at my heart and your lips are the trigger.  And while I'm barely breathing without the taste of your lips, kissing you would ensure my death.
you'd lace me up in concrete boots and you'd kick me off the end of the pier.

and I'm just trying to keep my head above water

but somehow I'm still drowning in all of you.

There are all types of love in this world, but never the same love twice.

he looked at me in a way that made me feel like i was the only girl i the world, so captivating and i enveloped myself in the way the world stood still and silent.  His eyes pierced my soul and left me breathless and no matter how much i deny it, nothing will ever feel as good as his eyes on my skin.  I could feel his eyes looking at me from across the room, i could feel them on my skin, studying and admiring the way I'd move through a crowd so purposefully but so unnoticeably to you. Words would jumble, thoughts incoherent, my brain was nothing but a jumbling mess dancing ever so delicately in my mind.  My mind was a whirlwind of thoughts and dreams and emotions, a hurricane but some how so still at the same time because i knew what i wanted.  my heart would race and i imagine my heart was racing yours, it couldn't be only me that felt this.  You captivate me, if only for a second but it felt like a lifetime and i lost myself, so carelessly into intimacy from which i would never recover.  The thought of that moment leaves me utterly and irrevocably breathless.  Thats when i knew i loved you.  Thats when i knew that i'd never love anyone the way i love you.  Your eyes, in a stunning hue of blue.  if i ever forget your voice, your smile, your face, at least i know i will never forget the look in your eyes.  It was a look i have never seen before and fear ill never see again, for no man has ever looked at a woman with such beauty, and such love.  It was easy to lose time when you looked at me like that.  Like i was the only thing in the world that existed, it was the way a man should look at the woman he loves.  A love that would make any other love seem obsolete, that would make every love story ever written jealous.  And i couldn't shake the feeling that this was the most profoundly important moment of my life.  Of both of our lives.  It was like a light came on and i saw the world for the first time as it laid out in front of me.  Like we had the rest of our lives to prove to the world that no other love compared, anything less then this was a amazingly disappointing waste of utter time as the words on your lips meant nothing compared to the look in your eyes.  You never needed to tell me you loved me, i knew you did, and i always thought that nothing could get in the way of this love.  And nothing could stop it.  But as i sit here, in this lonely kitchen, writing stories of love and mystery and desire that will never come to fruition, i think of your eyes, and that love.  And how we could be so in love and not be together. And thats the thought that tears me into pieces so small that I'm not sure i still exist.

those eyes, they are what haunt me most.

embrace the glorious mess you are

i write to give myself strength

i write to be the characters that i am not

i write to explore all things i'm afraid of

nothing can compare to the look in a mans eyes when he is looking into the eyes of the women he loves.

and thats how i know
or maybe how i knew
but i haven't seen that look in a long time
only when i close my eyes

nothing compares to you

they say to get over a man, you need to turn him into literature.

but they never tell you how to get over something you've never been.. under, so to speak.
sometimes i wish i could just bathe in you and everything you are and all the pain you've caused me, id collect the pain like dust that collects itself in the corners of my mind and drown in it as it the pain washes over me like rain drops in the middle of winter, its cold and my body hurts, but ill dance and twirl while the cool air burns my lungs leaving me completely breathless in much the same way as you leave me when you look into my eyes
you love me and i know it
well
at least you did
and maybe you're just as broken as i am and we can try and fit our pieces together to see if they make a whole being but they don't so we'll spent our lives trying to force together two pieces of a different puzzle to make a picture without logic, a scrambled image of the life we always wanted but never had and it continues to allude us and we crave it in much the same was as the earth craves the rain but its the middle of summer, and we're in a dessert, and it hasn't rained here in years, the earth is dry and hard and hot and nothing will ever soothe the soul of a person standing alone in the middle of nowhere in a room full of crowded people, none of whom could compare, and will ever compare, to you..

I am half agony, I'm half hope.

You pierced my soul. I'm half agony, half hope. Tell me not that I am too late, that such precious feelings are gone forever. I offer myself to you again with the heart even more own then when you almost broke it, eight years and a half ago. Did not say that man forget sooner than women, that his love has an earlier death. I have loved you, none but you.

--Frederick Wentworth

The thought of you makes me fear for sleep, fear the darkness.
For when I close my eyes, my eyelids dance in colours of you.
I will always want to know what is like to breathe you in, to feel you, to taste you, touch you.
These are the things that will never occur that will never happen.
And you and I will never have a time so for now I will continue to fear the night,
A night so dark that when it envelopes me, hoping that you can break through, i do nothing but fear the night.
And long for it.
Sometimes I wish i could cut my head open and spill you out.
Stop the endless nights that revolve around you.
But sometimes I think, i'd sooner take my own life, a death by love then to lose the very thought of you.
Sometimes I feel like I'm doing okay, better off without you and that I'm moving on and nothing else can danger my space of thought.
Then I remember you and me and us and I remember all the times that I was loved by you.
The look in your eyes.
The sound of your voice.
The feel of your heartbeat against my ear.
And I breathe you in.
And hold you close.
I while I never wanted to let you, go you always seem to let me go.
And that's the fatal flaw about out inconvenient truth.

No one will ever love you and you will never love another person to the enormity that I love you.

i desire things which will destroy me in the end

the nights i like the best
are not the ones under lights
the music blaring or the drinks flowing
they are the nights i get to spend with you
under the cover of my eyelids
in the corners of my mind
where nothing is impossible
nothing is implausible
where we have nothing but time
surrounded by the truest of truths
in the most glorious and unfounded moments
that we have never shared
thats the nights that i like best.