why does one begin to write? because she feels misunderstood, i guess. because it never comes out clearly enough when she tries to speak. because she wants to rephrase the world, to take it in and give it back again differently, so that everything is used and nothing is lost. Because its something to do to pass the time until she finds a way to be the person she pretends to be when she writes about you.

But heres the thing; 

 she is not in love with you

she is in love with the idea of you

and frankly, that is the worst way to love someone.

this.
every single word.

letters to you - part 3

hey, i guess this is a bit of a follow up on what i told you almost a month ago.

i never sent it to change anything, i hope you understand that. 

but i guess i thought it would close a door i have been trying to close for 12 years now. 

and i failed.

i don't care how this comes across, if you want to laugh about me or say I'm crazy but i don't care anymore

i like you and i have for 13 years and I've spent the last 13 years pretending i don't 

and waiting patiently 

but in the last 13 days I've realised one thing,

i can't wait forever and i don't want to.

i know you don't feel about me like that anymore

and thats okay

im not here to force you to like me or even attempt to get you to

the reason I'm writing this is just the opposite

I'm the kind of girl who doesn't fall in love easily but when i do it will move mountains

and i will love you with everything i have, it might not be much but i will love you unconditionally.

i am grateful for your existence even if I'm not supposed to be apart of it

and if you ever cared about me that you should spare me

if your not ready then tell me to wait for you and id wait forever

but please, tell me to move on and stop waisting my time if thats all you ever were

don't worry about hurting me

I've already broken my own heart from loving you

just tell me to move on

to be happy

to get married to someone that isnt you, to settle down and have kids

and live the life I've always imagined with someone else

at this rate I'm hoping one day you'll fall in love with me just as much as I'm hoping one day i will fall out of love with you

i can't keep holding on to nothing

letters to you - Part 2

look, I've been honest with you and i think i deserve some honesty back
i know the answer to all these questions, you answered them by telling me you appreciated my honesty and didn't say another word. and thats okay
but heres the thing,
i need to hear you say those words
i need to hear you tell me you didn't ever love me
that there isn't a future for us
that its not going to happen
its too late
i need to hear it
so i can let go and move on
to me, you and i will always be unfinished business
i need you to be honest with me, for once.
I'm the type of girl who will wait for you
until your ready
to the extent that i will wait for you forever
but thats not fair
we're not getting any younger
i have big dreams for my life,
marriage, kids, i want a life in a painted house with mismatched door handles, starry ceilings hovering over too many memories to fit into four walls and a room full of books that could never contain our story.
but none of my dreams are me waiting around for a guy who will never want me.
i know you don't feel the same, your actions make that clear, but there is still hope inside of me that maybe i should wait. and that one day you will see me like that.
And if thats just not true then i need you to be honest with me.
forget about protecting my feelings, i want the honest truth from you even if it rips my heart out, because if its just me that has felt these things, the kindest thing you can do right now is to rip my heart out. No relationship i have had since i met you has worked, because of you. and no future ones will work, because of you, so I'm stuck now, its your move.

after 13 years, don't you think i deserve honesty?

i am simply thankful for 

your existence,

whether i am meant to be a part of it 

or not.

Letters to you - Part 1

I guess i want to start with the truth.

and the the unanswered questions i have for you.

like did you ever really love me?

and do you still? or am i far too late?

do you feel what I'm feeling or is it all lost on you like it was lost on me from the start?

she must have done a number on you because your not the person you were before,

your not the person i fell in love with.

but i still love you despite your flaws

because of your flaws

did you know that?

how do you feel when you look me in the eyes

when i catch you staring?

come on, you know that was deliberate.

why did you never tell me, or make your move?

thats probably the next big question.

i believe if you love something and want something you cant keep your thoughts away from it for long 

but with me, you seem so thoughtless, so disinterested. 

Its like you get lost in all i am the same way i get lost in everything you are and we lose ourselves.

and its magnificent

and then you get some space

and you take a breath 

and realise, probably rightfully so, that you would drown in me

and in my love for you

it would consume you

and its not something you can handle

your calculated

and cold

and you drive me crazy in a different, less desirable way

why do you do that? 

did you really ever love me?

what was i nothing more than a secret you wanted to know

a texture you couldn't touch

a flavour you could never taste

the forbidden fruit

the curious tale

a mystery 

made of misery 

a shadow of a girl so unique that i was a prize that you all wanted, 

and it wasn't about the prize but the competition 

the ego

you told me you loved me

you said you were scared it was better in your head

and I'm willing to be whatever it is you need me to be

did you ever really love me?

prove it.

there isn't a word in the english language for us but there is this

Mamihlapinatapei

Yaghan (indigenous language of Tierra del Fuego) – 

“The wordless, yet meaningful look shared by two people who both desire to initiate something but are both reluctant to start.” 

i can't unlove you

this is it
this is my life
and I'm in love with you
and i think thats the only thing I've been sure of in my entire life.

i understand you're not ready
and maybe you never will be
but regardless of what I've said before
ill wait for you forever

and its so hard to wait around
for something that may never ever happen
but its even harder to give up
something you've always wanted

i will love you until my last breath

intense logophile

His voice mellifluous 

my overwhelming limerence

the serendipity that was our lives

the epoch that was our window

the ethereal that surrounded us when you looked in my eyes

now i lay here

supine and solitude

surrounded by petrichor,

with nothing but an epiphany

rubbing my eyes

instead of you all i see is phosphenes

in total oblivion

it was ephemeral and eloquent

and the denouement of us was unknown and totally ineffable.

Theres a story at the bottom of this bottle and I'm the pen.

some days the memories still knock the wind out of me.

if you're a bird, I'm a bird.

i feel like anything i write in this blog at this point in time will be only repeating the same words I've said a million times before over the last 5 years. the words may be slightly different and the order all jumbled up but the message will be the same. the same paragraph of how i feel in your arms, holding me in, like you hold my broken pieces together and when I'm in your arms i feel more whole and more at home then I've ever felt before. or the part about the deep hues of blue that captivate me while i stare back into your eyes from across the room. how the air between us fills with all the words we've never said and could never say to each other. the closeness of your skin, the smell of your cologne, the smile you wore for me.

its like a never ending cycle, and i guess i just want to love you. i want to love you without fear or pain or guilt. i want to love you with everything i am and so everyone can know it. i want to love you where this day blurs into night and i want to roll over at 3am and see you in my bed, and we'd talk about all of our plans and hopes and fears because your mind is far too active to let you have sleep. or maybe ill roll over into your sleeping arms and actually get some sleep. that our hearts would be at peace and our minds settled because everything we ever needed would be right there in front of us.
just us.
you and me.

the way I've always wanted it
but the way its never been.

Love is gone

And I sat there,

Looking into your eyes

And I searched your soul

I looked and I looked but all I saw was a blue hollowness

An emotionless abyss 

Swallowing me in its shallowness

I looked harder

Closer

The bright world kept spinning

Kept busy

And the air was not putting a fight up in my lungs

The air was cold

Narrow

As I searched

Forever looking and never seeing

The weight on my chest

My heart beat

Nothing significant

But not insignificant 

In the corner of my eyes

The world had faded 

Darkness

I saw a star and I wished

But wished to no avail 

As I searched 

And waited to find something

Anything

I saw blue 

Mixed with what I can only assume was pity

And nothing else

You once loved me so wholly 

And what seemed so endless

But no trace was left

Nothing to be seen

I had loved you so wholly

But lifetimes too late

I can't change it

Nor would you want to

It doesn't exist there anymore

In the places I miss the most

So I stair plainly

Dully 

Into your blue eyes

Which once captivated me

Only now to leave without a lasting impression 

That's when I knew I no longer meant a thing 

Your eyes always gave you away

nothing haunts us like the things we don't say

 there were things you wanted to tell me 

 and there were things i was dying to say. 

 but you were scared 

 and my voice faltered 

 so we both sewed our lips shut 

 and buried it away